Ken David Stewart’s Greatest Hits (Volume 1 Excerpt 19)

Act Five Scene One:

Narrator: Dennis the mortician, has finished loading all the small caskets in the hearse. He drives to the Roswell Hospital and walks right through the front entrance. Dennis sees a nurse he knows running toward him.

Nurse Jane: Dennis, get out of here quickly before someone sees you. No one can see you here. I’ll call you later tonight.

Narrator: Just as Dennis turns around to answer Nurse Carrie, two burly hospital security guards, Jim and Sean, grab Dennis by the arms and escort him to the parking lot.

Dennis: Let me go! What’s the meaning of this?!

Jim, the security guard: Look buddy, we have orders to toss out anyone who doesn’t belong here.

Dennis: I’m Dennis Morris, the mortician. The General told me to meet him here.

Narrator: Just then General Kane pulls up in his jeep.

General Kane: He’s telling the truth, men. Release him immediately. Dennis, have you got the four coffins I ordered?

Dennis: Yes sir. They’re in the back of the hearse.

General Kane: Good. Okay, security guards, start unloading the hearse on the double.

Sean: Sir, unloading the hearse is not part of our job description.

General Kane: How would you boys like to eat a live grenade instead?

Sean: Well, if you put it that way, General, I guess we can make an exception in this case.

General Kane: That’s a wise decision boys. Dennis, did you get my cigars and pepperoni sticks?

Dennis: Oh no! I was so busy that I forgot all about them.

General Kane: Do you have any idea how hungry I am, Dennis? I’ve been so busy dealing with idiot dog catchers and loud-
mouth ranchers that I missed my lunch and supper. Jim, there’s a Burger King and a 7-11 in Corona about thirty miles from here. Get in your car and bring me three double whoppers with cheese and two large French fries at Burger King. Then head over to 7-Eleven and pick me up a pack of White Owls and ten pepperoni sticks.

Jim: Sir, we have strict orders from our supervisor not to leave the hospital grounds for any reason.

General Kane: Jim, from now on, you take your orders from me! Get the lead out! I’m starving!

Jim: Aye aye, sir.

Narrator: Jim gets in his old beater of a car and heads for Corona.

General Kane: Good work, Dennis. Your job is done here. You can go home now.

Dennis: Thank you, sir.

Roswell Book Cover 1


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