Ken David Stewart’s Greatest Hits (Volume 1 Excerpt 20)

Act Five Scene Two:

Narrator: Dennis drives back to the funeral home. He is still thinking about what is going on at the hospital. When he gets back to the funeral home he immediately resumes his work on the body lying on the table.

Dennis (to himself) If I put on a pot a coffee I might be able to stay awake until three o’clock in the morning. I should be finished with my client by then. That way I won’t need to postpone his funeral. I can have this corpse ready by tomorrow.

Narrator: Just as Dennis gets back to work on the corpse he hears his phone ring insistently.

Nurse Jane: Dennis, I got to talk to you right now. Meet me at Dusty’s Tavern in twenty minutes. I’m afraid someone might be listening in on our call.

Dennis: Calm down, Jane. I’m leaving for Dusty’s right now. Something very weird is going on and I think you might have some of the answers.

Narrator: Dennis jumps in his car and drives to Dusty’s Tavern.
Narrator: It only takes him about ten minutes to drive there. Dennis enters Dusty’s and sees Jane waving to him from the back of the bar. Meanwhile Lloyd the Barber and Dusty are having a conversation at the front bar. Lloyd has been drinking one Bud after another since early in the afternoon.

Dusty: Say Lloyd. Aren’t you supposed to be doing a big interview on Rick and Dwight’s radio show tonight?

Lloyd the Barber: Yeah, I am. But I’ll tell you what Dusty. I don’t know if I’ll even bother showing up for the interview tonight.

Dusty: Why’s that Lloyd? I thought you liked Rick and Dwight.

Lloyd: I do, but the last interview I did with them, all they wanted to know about was how thrilled I must be working with a great actor like Andy Griffin.

Dusty: Well, you’ve got to admit it. Andy’s a pretty big star around here.

Floyd: Well, I’ll never be able to figure that one out. Andy Griffin’s a complete phony. I wonder what his fans would think if they knew their big hero can’t even remember his lines for the show.

Dusty: That’s not true Floyd. Every time I watch the show Andy speaks his lines perfectly.

Floyd: That’s because I’m hiding behind Aunt Bea’s sofa and whisper to Andy his lines.

Without Lloyd the Barber on the show the Andy Griffin show would be off the network in under a week.

Narrator: While Lloyd is talking he looks up at the big mirror beside Dusty. He sees Dennis and Jane sitting at a table near the back of the bar.

Lloyd: Hey Dusty, who is that guy sitting with Jane?

Dusty: Didn’t you used to go out with that nurse?

Lloyd: Yeah, she and I were together for nearly two years. We broke up just last month. I always suspected she was seeing another guy.

Dusty: Well, the guy sitting next to her is named Dennis. He’s the town’s new mortician. He seems like a nice enough guy.

Lloyd: I don’t care what kind of guy he is. I need to find out if Jane is going out with this guy, but I don’t want her to see me.

Dusty: I’ve got an idea. See that big rubber palm tree near the entrance to the bar?

Lloyd: Yeah, I see it.

Dusty: Okay, listen up. You’re skinny enough to make this work. I want you to hide behind the palm tree. Lift it up and walk very slowly behind the plant a few steps in time. Get as close as you can to their table until you can hear them talking.

Lloyd: Great idea Dusty. Thanks a million, buddy.

Dusty: Any time, Lloyd.

Narrator: Lloyd gets behind cropped-purple-aliens.jpg


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