This Excerpt Has a Trailer Park Boys Ambiance

Act Eight Scene One:

Narrator: After a long afternoon drinking at Dusty’s Tavern, Lloyd decides to do the interview at the radio station.

Rick: Someone’s knocking at the door, Dwight. You get it.

Dwight: Why not? I’m only the co-host of the show after all.

Narrator: When Dwight lets Lloyd in he can see that Lloyd is not too steady on his feet.

Rick: You look pretty drunk, Lloyd. Are you sure that you can do the interview?

Floyd: Damn right I can. I only drank about six Bud. Anyway, you guys are going to be famous worldwide after this interview.

Dwight: Lloyd we know that the Andy Griffin Show is popular in Roswell but I don’t think too many people have heard about it anywhere else.

Floyd: I didn’t come here to talk about the damn Andy Griffin Show.

Rick: What?! Look Lloyd, the Andy Griffin Show was the top-rated show in Roswell last year and that’s what our listeners expect you to
talk about.

Dwight: What else would you talk about? Cutting hair or playing checkers?

Lloyd: You’re one funny boy, Dwight. Let me first tell you guys why you don’t want me to talk about the Andy Griffin Show. Andy Griffin can’t even remember his lines for the show even when he’s sober.
Dwight: Hang on for a few minutes Lloyd. Our listeners want to hear some more from Mick Russell’s story.
Mick: I need to apologize to Rick,Dwight and their audience,
Dwight: Why’s that Mick?
Mick: Well, when I told you guys about finding the strange pieces of metal on the property, I exaggerated a little bit.
Rick: Exaggerated how?
Mick: Well guys, a flying saucer really didn’t crash on my ranch last night. Like I said earlier, I got a little carried away. I’ve been having a hard time lately. My wife left me because I wasn’t making enough money to keep the ranch going. So I got up in the morning, feeling very sorry for myself and started drinking. Then I start getting real lonely so I went down to Dusty’s Tavern to have some company. I had quite a few beers while I was at Dusty’s. My guess is that the alcohol clouded my judgment. When I got to the radio station I convinced myself that I’d seen pieces of a flying saucer on my ranch.
General Kane and Private Enns drove me back to the ranch and showed me what really fell on my ranch. It was a weather balloon. My conscience started to bother me so I figured I better get down to the radio station and tell everyone the real story. I’m sorry if I upset anyone.

Dwight: Mick, we didn’t smell alcohol on your breath when you were here before.

Rick Yeah, and why are you sweating so much Mick?

Dwight: I think maybe those Air Force guys put some heavy pressure on you to change story.

Lloyd the Barber: So do I.

Rick: Why do you say that Lloyd?

Lloyd: Because I drew a picture that proves that Mick is telling the truth.

Narrator: Lloyd shows his drawing to Rick and Dwight.

Rick: What is it, Lloyd?

Floyd: It’s a picture of a creature from outer space.

Dwight: Lloyd, you probably copied this picture out of a comic book.

Floyd: Okay, here’s my story. This afternoon I was at Dusty’s Tavern having a few beers. When I was there I spotted my old girlfriend, Jane sitting there with Dennis, the new town mortician. I hid behind a
fake palm tree and got close enough to hear what they were saying. Jane is a nurse at the Roswell Hospital. She was telling Dennis that she was in the operating room when the surgeons were performing an autopsy on a dead alien. Dennis the mortician asked her to draw a picture of the creature that she saw. While I was hiding behind the palm tree I sketched the picture of my shirt sleeve. Right after that I had to sneeze. That’s where you see the green splotch on the picture.
Narrator: Dwight shows the drawing on his sleeve to Rick, Dwight and Lloyd.
Dwight: I’m glad you told us you sneezed on the picture. If I didn’t know that it was a glob of snot I would have thought that the alien was literally a little green man. Ha! Ha!

Rick: You weren’t kidding Lloyd. This is an amazing story.

Dwight: What do you remember about Dennis and Jane’s conversation?

Floyd: I remember Nurse Jane saying that there were some surgeons working on the alien while a photographer was in the room taking page

pictures. She also said there was a cameraman shooting film with a 16mm Bell and Howell camera. Jane said she had to leave the room because she was feeling sick to her stomach. She said that the smell in the operating room was absolutely horrible.

Dwight: Was it anything like the smell in the washroom at Moe’s Garage?

Floyd: That’s exactly what she compared it to.

Rick: Whoa! That is bad. The last time I was in the washroom at Moe’s Garage I felt like I was going to puke.

Narrator: The phone starts ringing in the control room. Dwight picks up the phone.

Dwight: Listeners, we have Moe Miller, the owner of Moe’s Garage on the line.

Moe: What’s this I hear about a filthy, smelly washroom at Moe’s Garage?

Lloyd: You been in there recently, Moe? The odor is disgusting.

Moe: You want to know what’s really disgusting Lloyd?

Lloyd: What?

Moe: Your acting. You have the gall to come on the show and insult a great actor like Andy Griffin while you can’t act worth a hill of beans yourself.

Rick: Come on, boys. This is starting to get personal.

Dwight: That’s right Rick. I think that we should ask the listeners to get their children to stay out of the room while this segment of the show is running.

Rick: Dwight’s right, listeners. The content on tonight’s show is getting pretty intense. This might be a good time to send your kids out to the barn to do a few chores.

Dwight: In fact, listeners it’s time to cut to a commercial from tonight’s sponsor Moe’s Garage, where your car gets fixed right at a fair, honest price.

Moe: How dare you run my commercial now? You just finished slandering the reputation of Moe’s Garage.

Rick: Well, you’re paying for the commercial airtime whether we run it or not Moe.

Moe: What?! Who do you think is going to come to my garage now that they’ve heard that my washroom is filthy?

Dwight: Everybody, Moe. You got the only service station within fifty miles of Roswell.

Moe: All right, run the damn commercial then!

Narrator: The phone in the radio station starts ringing once again. Dwight takes a call from Dennis the mortician.

Dwight: Listeners, we now have Dennis the mortician on the line. Have you got any interesting comments or questions for us this evening, Dennis?

Dennis: You bet I do. First of all get that yahoo, Lloyd the Barber, off of your show. He’s a drunk, an idiot and a D rate actor.

Lloyd the Barber: So you’re the guy who’s been putting the moves on my girlfriend, Nurse Jane!

Dennis: First of all Lloyd, she’s your ex -girlfriend. She told me that she has no more interest in you whatsoever. Furthermore, you need to stop stalking her.

Lloyd: What do you mean stalking her?

Dennis: Well, what do you call hiding behind a fake palm tree and eaves- dropping on our conversation at Dusty’s Tavern?

Lloyd: That’s not stalking. I was just trying to find out if she was really dating a bozo like you.

Rick: Listeners, once again we’re advising you to send your children out to the barn to do some chores at this time. Some listeners may find the following comments to be very offensive.

Dwight: That’s right. Our show is supposed to be family friendly. Thanks to our guests and callers tonight it’s more like a third rate Jerry Springer show.

Narrator: The phone rings once again in the control room. This time Jerry Springer is on the line.

Jerry Springer: So what’s wrong with the Jerry Springer show? If you guys had 1% of the audience my show has you wouldn’t have to live in a trailer park.

Rick: How do you know that Dwight and I live in a trailer park?

Jerry Springer: Because some of the guests on my show are your neighbors.

Dwight: Well listeners, that’s about all we need to hear from Jerry Springer this evening. We have some important questions to ask Dennis the mortician and Mick Russell.

Rick: That’s right. Dennis, what do you make of Lloyd’s story about the conversation that he overheard?

Dennis: Well, I hate to admit it, but basically it’s true. What Lloyd reported is what Nurse Jane told me.

Dwight: Did you believe her?

Dennis: Of course, she’s my girlfriend.

Floyd: Your girlfriend?! You admit it! That’s all I wanted to find out.

Rick: Boys, we’re not really interested in this love triangle. What we need to know is about this alien in the operating room.

Dwight: Hold on Rick. We have another caller on the line. He says he’s a university professor.

Rick: Hello sir. What university are you from and what is your specialty?

Prof. Stone: My name is Dr. Meredith D. Stone. I’m the Department Head of Archeology at the University of New Mexico.

Rick: What’s your take on tonight’s discussion sir?

Dwight: Yes, who do you think is really telling the truth? Mick
Russell, Lloyd the Barber or Dennis the mortician?

Professor Stone: I don’t know about Mr. Russell’s story. His story about a weather balloon sounds like a government cover-up to me, but I do believe that Lloyd and Dennis are telling the truth.

Dwight: Why do you say that?

Prof. Stone: Because I have seen the aliens with my own eyes.

Rick: What?! Where?!

Prof. Stone: Two days ago I took a group of my students on a field trip to search for dinosaur bones. While we were in the desert we found a crashed space craft that we could not identify. We also found three dead aliens and one that was still alive. And ambulance arrived on the scene shortly after. A paramedic and a firefighter were just about to take the surviving alien to the hospital when two Air Force
officials pulled up in their jeep.

Dwight: Whoa! Then what happened, Dr. Stone?
Floyd the Barber 1


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