Act Ten Scene One:
Narrator: The hotel clerk opens the room for General Kane, Dr. Zorba and the Masked Mauler. He then shows Nurse Carrie to her room.
Sheriff: Bellboy, could you put on a pot a coffee and bring us a couple of packs of Marlboroughs? We will also need a night table and three chairs. Andy, Garney and myself will be staying up all night outside the prisoners’ doors.
Terry Mason: Hello, room service? Could you send up an eight ounce New York sirloin steak up to room one along with a bottle of your best white wine?
Dusty: What? Look pal, this is The Roswell Hotel not the Keg. I can send you a cheeseburger and fries. If you want something to drink you can pick up some beer at the vendor downstairs.
Terry Mason: You don’t understand, sir. This is Terry Mason, the famous lawyer. You’ve seen me on t.v.
Dusty: Yeah, right. And I’m Padlock.
Terry Mason: No. Padlock’s in room two.
Narrator: Dusty laughs and hangs up the phone. Meanwhile, General Kane, Dr. Zorba and the Masked Mauler are getting settled in a hotel room number three.
Dr. Zorba: Well, seeing as were going to be roommates for the night and all, I guess I should apologize to you, General.
General Kane: Apologize for what?
Dr. Zorba: For knocking you out back at the hospital.
General Kane: What would I be doing at the hospital? I got a splitting headache, but I wouldn’t go to the hospital just for that. I’m too tough talk to see a doctor about a measly little headache. I could use an ice pack and a couple of Tylenol, though.
Dr. Zorba: You don’t remember being at the hospital, General? This sounds like case of temporary amnesia.
General Kane: This is strange. The last thing I remember was teaching basic training to some new recruits but that would have been a couple of weeks ago.
Mauler: By the way Dr. Zorba I need to apologize for knocking you out cold with a flying head butt.
Dr. Zorba: I don’t remember anything about that. The last thing I remember was putting the camel clutch on General Kane. After that my mind went blank. Mauler, I need you to call room service and ask them to bring a cot. And ask them for an icepack and a bottle of Tylenol for the General while you’re at it.
General Kane: Good idea. Are you guys getting hungry? I feel like having some burgers and fries. Come to think of it I wouldn’t mind a bottle of good Kentucky bourbon and a case of Bud.
Narrator: The Masked Mauler calls the front desk and asks to speak to the bellboy.
Mauler: Bellboy, this is room three. We’d like to order an ice pack, a bottle of Tylenol, nine cheeseburgers, six large French fries, a bottle of Jack Daniels bourbon and twenty-four cans of Budweiser beer. Oh I just about forgot. We’ll need a cot for the room, too.
Bellboy: Room three? You guys are all prisoners. The sheriff wouldn’t allow prisoners to have alcohol in their rooms.
Narrator: The Masked Mauler shakes his head and then hands the phone over to General Kane.
General Kane: Listen son, when I was in Vietnam we used to cut open the cots that the VC used for sleeping. We’d pull out the stuffing and load them up with time bombs. And then we’d sew them up and wait for the enemy to go to sleep. After a few minutes of sleepy bye it would be just like the Fourth of July.
Bellboy: I catch your drift sir. You want me to take the stuffing out of the cot, load it up with booze and sew it up again.
General Kane: You catch on fast, son.
Bellboy: I’m taking quite a risk here, sir. What’s in it for me?
General Kane: Do you like wrestling, son?
Bellboy: I love wrestling but I can’t afford the tickets for the Air Force Base wrestling cards.
General Kane: I’ll tell you what, son. I’m the wrestling promoter at the Air Force Base. You carry out the plan we just discussed and I’ll get you a pair of ringside seats for the next card. Add some White Owl cigars and some pepperoni sticks to our order and I’ll make sure you get an exclusive backstage pass to meet all the wrestlers after the show.
Bell Boy: Hot diggity dog! I’m working on your order as we speak.
Narrator: After 15 minutes has passed the bellboy delivers the cot containing all the contraband to room number three. The starving guests rip up the cot and immediately dig into their cheeseburgers and fries.
General Kane: Hey, Mauler, turn on the TV. Let’s see what’s on.
Mauler: Hey, what luck! It’s the Andy Griffin Show.
Narrator: The three prisoners hear someone pounding on the wall from the room next door.
Nurse Carrie: Hey, do you guys have any food in there? I’m starving.
Dr. Zorba: Yeah, tons of food and drinks too.
Nurse Carrie: How do I get into your rooms so that the guards won’t see me.
Mauler: No problem. There’s a door here next to your room. It’s locked but I’ll use my Swiss Army knife to pick the lock.
Narrator: Mauler pries the lock open and let’s Nurse Carrie in.
Dr. Zorba: Nurse Carrie, what are you doing here? We’re all under arrest but we can’t remember what we were arrested for.
General Kane: Let her eat her supper first, Zorba. Can’t you see that the poor girl is starving?
Mauler: Yeah, I want to watch the Andy Griffin Show first anyway.
General Kane: Ha ha. There’s Lloyd the Barber. That guy cracks me up.
Narrator: While this conversation is going on, Andy Griffin is listening through a glass tumbler that he put up to the door.
Dr. Zorba: I have heard rumors that Andy can’t remember his lines.
Nurse Carrie: Those rumors are true. Watch Andy. Every time it’s his turn to say his lines he moves closer to Aunt Bea’s sofa.
Dr. Zorba: Why does he do that?
Nurse Carrie: Because Lloyd the Barber is behind the sofa whispering his lines to him.
Andy Griffin: That’s it Garney! I’ve heard enough. Let’s bust down the door right now and raid their little party.
Narrator: Andy and Garney force open the door and break into the prisoner’s hotel room.
Andy: Are you guys having a good time making a mockery of me?
Garney: Andy, how did they get all this food and alcohol up to the room? And how did Nurse Carrie get in their room?
Andy: All right, the party’s over boys and girls. Let’s get all the food and booze out of here and show it to Sheriff Pyle. Where is the Sheriff anyway?
Garney: Elmer’s still in the washroom. The poor guy’s been constipated all day.
General Kane: He might have fallen asleep on the toilet. Elmer had a long day and he’s not used to working this hard.
Dr. Zorba: The Sheriff’s no spring chicken either. He just has a couple of months to go before retirement.
General Kane: That’s precisely my point. The old guy needs his beauty sleep. Let him sleep in the bathroom for a while. In a few minutes we can ask the bellboy to get us another cot and Andy and Garney can lift Elmer off the toilet. We’ll let the Sheriff have a nice comfortable sleep on the cot tonight.
Andy: That’s very considerate of you General, but I’m still mad as hell about the way you guys were dissing me.
Mauler: Ha ha! We were just joshing with you, man. We knew you’d be listening to our conversation outside the door.
Andy: You mean you weren’t serious?
Nurse Carrie: Of course not. We know that Lloyd the Barber is a lying pig.
Dr. Zorba: It’s an honor to meet a great actor like you, Andy.
Garney: They sure had you going there, Andy.
Andy: Yeah, you guys really got me there, but hey, I’ve always enjoyed a good joke.
General Kane: I just got a great idea. Instead of letting all this good food and drink go to waste, why don’t you and Garney guard us from inside our room?
Mauler: That’s brilliant, General! There’s more than enough food and drinks here and if we run out we can just call room service and order some more.
Andy: That all sounds good but what do we do about Sheriff Pyle?
General Kane: Just what we discussed before. Just be careful taking Elmer off the toilet and putting him on the cot. We don’t want to wake him up.
Dr. Zorba: Yeah, don’t worry. I’ll give the Sheriff a shot of Xanax. He’ll sleep like a baby all night.
Narrator: Andy and Garney agree with the plan and are off to the washroom to find Sheriff Pyle.
TO BE CONTINUED
END OF VOLUME ONE