Act Nine Scene Four:
Sheriff Pyle escorts his handcuffed prisoner’s to Dusty’s Tavern.
Sheriff Pyle: Clerk I need to rent some rooms for some guests of the county.
Hotel clerk: Prisoners? You came to the wrong place. This is a hotel not a jail.
Sheriff: We only have one cell in the jail in town. I’m not going to stick three men and one lady in the same cell. It’s against the law.
Hotel clerk: Well, they’re not staying here. This hotel has a reputation to uphold. Why don’t you try the Holiday Inn in Albuquerque?
Sheriff: Have it your way. I’ll just take a quick look in the beverage room to see if there are any under -age drinkers in there. If there are I will have to shut down your establishment.
Hotel clerk: All right the prisoners can stay here, but we only have two rooms available. The two lawyers have the other rooms reserved.
Sheriff: That’s okay. The three male prisoners will stay in one room and the female can have a room to herself.
General Kane: How many beds are in each room?
Hotel clerk: Two, but we can bring in a cot for the third person.
General Kane: Well, I’m the general so I get one of the beds.
Dr. Zorba: And I’m a doctor so I get the other bed. The wrestler can sleep on the cot.
Mauler: Why don’t we have an arm wrestling contest to see who gets the beds?
Sheriff: Forget it. Tonight’s sleeping arrangements have been finalized.
Hotel clerk: None of these prisoners are violent, are they?
Sheriff: All of them are extremely dangerous but don’t worry. I’ve hired special reinforcements. Andy Griffin and his deputy Garney Fife will be here to help me guard the prisoners all night.
Hotel clerk: Andy Griffin and Garney Fife? Those guys aren’t real police. They’re actors.
Bellboy: Yeah Dude, this is real life not a TV show.
Andy: Watch the attitude son. Sheriff Pyle just handed Deputy Fife and I official New Mexico state trooper badges.
Bellboy: Now, let me get this straight. Andy Griffin and Garney Fife are the police and Terry Mason and Padlock are the lawyers.
Sheriff: That’s right.
Bellboy: Who’s going to be the judge? Col. Sanders?
Sheriff: How did you know?
Act Nine Scene Three:
Narrator: Before leaving for court, Sheriff Pyle makes a phone call to Andy Griffith.
Sheriff Pyle: Andy? Elmer Pyle. What are you up to?
Andy: I’m on my way to the radio station to teach those two idiots, Dwight and Rick some manners. They’ve been dissing me all day on their show.
Sheriff Pyle: Well, maybe you could put that on hold for a little while, Buddy. Look, I need a big favor from you.
Andy: No problem. You didn’t charge me with three drunk and disorderlies last month.
Sheriff: I didn’t want to do that Andy. You are a hero to a lot of people in this town. Like I was saying I need your help. I got four perps in custody. I have to book them into the hotel overnight and I’ll need some help supervising them until they go to court for their hearings in the morning. Do you think that you and Garney Fife could stand guard outside their rooms tonight?
Andy: This sounds like real serious police work, Sheriff. You think you can get Garney and me law enforcement officer badges? Real ones I mean. Not cheap fake toy sheriff badges like they give us for the show.
Sheriff: Yeah, I got a couple of spare ones in my top desk drawer.
Act Nine Scene One:
J. Edgar Hoover: Put your hands on the table where I can see them and don’t move.
Narrator: Hoover puts his cigar out in Dwight’s Styrofoam coffee cup
Dwight: What did you do that for? There’s an ashtray on the table.
Hoover: Are you questioning the FBI, son?
Dwight: Of course not, but what are you doing here?
Hoover: I just found a stolen government vehicle in one of your parking stalls out front.
Rick: What stolen vehicle?
Hoover: The dog catchers’ truck.
Dwight: Oh right, the two dogcatchers have gone looking for the keys. A rancher has the keys to the truck but the Air Force
Narrator: Hoover starts looking at the keys hanging on the key ring.
Hoover: Well, isn’t this interesting? This set of keys has Property of the City of Roswell written on it. I wonder if they might start the dog catchers’ truck?
Narrator: Hoover sends his assistant, Richard, out to try starting the truck with the dog catcher’s keys.
Private Enns: The keys started the truck up no problem, sir.
Hoover: You boys are in some real hot water now. Theft of a government vehicle will get you twenty years in the state prison alone. But that’s the least of your problems. Now, where have you hidden the two dog catchers and the rancher?
Rick: Mick Russell’s probably out in the desert getting shot by General Kane as we speak.
Hoover: And why would the Air Force want this rancher dead?
Dwight: Because the rancher found a crashed flying saucer and saw some dead aliens in the back of General Kane’s truck.
Hoover: How do you guys know about this? You’re probably Soviet spies.
Rick: No, we’re not!
Hoover: You boys are digging yourself in deeper and deeper every time you open your mouths. Let’s see now. We’ve got you on theft of a government vehicle, kidnapping, lying to an FBI agent, kidnapping, on possible homicide charges and not to forget being spies for the Kremlin.
Dwight: I have an idea sir. If we could find Harvey and Hoss for you, it will prove that we are telling you the truth.
Rick: Great idea Dwight! I think I know where to find them. The last time we saw them they were dressed up like cartoon characters. They were on their way to the compound to find Hoss’s car.
Hoover: Dressed up like cartoon characters? What for?
Dwight: Hoss and Harvey didn’t want their supervisor to recognize them.
Rick: If their supervisor saw them he would ask them where the truck was.