Category: FBI

More Buffoonery From The Roswell Gang


Act Nine Scene One:

J. Edgar Hoover: Put your hands on the table where I can see them and don’t move.

Narrator: Hoover puts his cigar out in Dwight’s Styrofoam coffee cup

Dwight: What did you do that for? There’s an ashtray on the table.

Hoover: Are you questioning the FBI, son?

Dwight: Of course not, but what are you doing here?

Hoover: I just found a stolen government vehicle in one of your parking stalls out front.

Rick: What stolen vehicle?

Hoover: The dog catchers’ truck.

Dwight: Oh right, the two dogcatchers have gone looking for the keys. A rancher has the keys to the truck but the Air Force
kidnapped him.

Narrator: Hoover starts looking at the keys hanging on the key ring.

Hoover: Well, isn’t this interesting? This set of keys has Property of the City of Roswell written on it. I wonder if they might start the dog catchers’ truck?

Narrator: Hoover sends his assistant, Richard, out to try starting the truck with the dog catcher’s keys.

Private Enns: The keys started the truck up no problem, sir.

Hoover: You boys are in some real hot water now. Theft of a government vehicle will get you twenty years in the state prison alone. But that’s the least of your problems. Now, where have you hidden the two dog catchers and the rancher?

Rick: Mick Russell’s probably out in the desert getting shot by General Kane as we speak.

Hoover: And why would the Air Force want this rancher dead?

Dwight: Because the rancher found a crashed flying saucer and saw some dead aliens in the back of General Kane’s truck.

Hoover: How do you guys know about this? You’re probably Soviet spies.

Rick: No, we’re not!

Hoover: You boys are digging yourself in deeper and deeper every time you open your mouths. Let’s see now. We’ve got you on theft of a government vehicle, kidnapping, lying to an FBI agent, kidnapping, on possible homicide charges and not to forget being spies for the Kremlin.

Dwight: I have an idea sir. If we could find Harvey and Hoss for you, it will prove that we are telling you the truth.

Rick: Great idea Dwight! I think I know where to find them. The last time we saw them they were dressed up like cartoon characters. They were on their way to the compound to find Hoss’s car.

Hoover: Dressed up like cartoon characters? What for?

Dwight: Hoss and Harvey didn’t want their supervisor to recognize them.

Rick: If their supervisor saw them he would ask them where the truck was.

Hoover: Richard, handcuff these boys and put them in the car. We’re on our way to the city compound. You boys better hope your story
checks out.
Hoover