Category: Ken’s Wrestling Blog

Jailhouse Rock Roswell Style


Act Ten Scene One:

Narrator: The hotel clerk opens the room for General Kane, Dr. Zorba and the Masked Mauler. He then shows Nurse Carrie to her room.

Sheriff: Bellboy, could you put on a pot a coffee and bring us a couple of packs of Marlboroughs? We will also need a night table and three chairs. Andy, Garney and myself will be staying up all night outside the prisoners’ doors.

Terry Mason: Hello, room service? Could you send up an eight ounce New York sirloin steak up to room one along with a bottle of your best white wine?

Dusty: What? Look pal, this is The Roswell Hotel not the Keg. I can send you a cheeseburger and fries. If you want something to drink you can pick up some beer at the vendor downstairs.

Terry Mason: You don’t understand, sir. This is Terry Mason, the famous lawyer. You’ve seen me on t.v.

Dusty: Yeah, right. And I’m Padlock.

Terry Mason: No. Padlock’s in room two.

Narrator: Dusty laughs and hangs up the phone. Meanwhile, General Kane, Dr. Zorba and the Masked Mauler are getting settled in a hotel room number three.

Dr. Zorba: Well, seeing as were going to be roommates for the night and all, I guess I should apologize to you, General.

General Kane: Apologize for what?

Dr. Zorba: For knocking you out back at the hospital.

General Kane: What would I be doing at the hospital? I got a splitting headache, but I wouldn’t go to the hospital just for that. I’m too tough talk to see a doctor about a measly little headache. I could use an ice pack and a couple of Tylenol, though.

Dr. Zorba: You don’t remember being at the hospital, General? This sounds like case of temporary amnesia.

General Kane: This is strange. The last thing I remember was teaching basic training to some new recruits but that would have been a couple of weeks ago.

Mauler: By the way Dr. Zorba I need to apologize for knocking you out cold with a flying head butt.

Dr. Zorba: I don’t remember anything about that. The last thing I remember was putting the camel clutch on General Kane. After that my mind went blank. Mauler, I need you to call room service and ask them to bring a cot. And ask them for an icepack and a bottle of Tylenol for the General while you’re at it.

General Kane: Good idea. Are you guys getting hungry? I feel like having some burgers and fries. Come to think of it I wouldn’t mind a bottle of good Kentucky bourbon and a case of Bud.

Narrator: The Masked Mauler calls the front desk and asks to speak to the bellboy.

Mauler: Bellboy, this is room three. We’d like to order an ice pack, a bottle of Tylenol, nine cheeseburgers, six large French fries, a bottle of Jack Daniels bourbon and twenty-four cans of Budweiser beer. Oh I just about forgot. We’ll need a cot for the room, too.

Bellboy: Room three? You guys are all prisoners. The sheriff wouldn’t allow prisoners to have alcohol in their rooms.

Narrator: The Masked Mauler shakes his head and then hands the phone over to General Kane.

General Kane: Listen son, when I was in Vietnam we used to cut open the cots that the VC used for sleeping. We’d pull out the stuffing and load them up with time bombs. And then we’d sew them up and wait for the enemy to go to sleep. After a few minutes of sleepy bye it would be just like the Fourth of July.

Bellboy: I catch your drift sir. You want me to take the stuffing out of the cot, load it up with booze and sew it up again.

General Kane: You catch on fast, son.

Bellboy: I’m taking quite a risk here, sir. What’s in it for me?

General Kane: Do you like wrestling, son?

Bellboy: I love wrestling but I can’t afford the tickets for the Air Force Base wrestling cards.

General Kane: I’ll tell you what, son. I’m the wrestling promoter at the Air Force Base. You carry out the plan we just discussed and I’ll get you a pair of ringside seats for the next card. Add some White Owl cigars and some pepperoni sticks to our order and I’ll make sure you get an exclusive backstage pass to meet all the wrestlers after the show.

Bell Boy: Hot diggity dog! I’m working on your order as we speak.
Narrator: After 15 minutes has passed the bellboy delivers the cot containing all the contraband to room number three. The starving guests rip up the cot and immediately dig into their cheeseburgers and fries.

General Kane: Hey, Mauler, turn on the TV. Let’s see what’s on.

Mauler: Hey, what luck! It’s the Andy Griffin Show.

Narrator: The three prisoners hear someone pounding on the wall from the room next door.

Nurse Carrie: Hey, do you guys have any food in there? I’m starving.

Dr. Zorba: Yeah, tons of food and drinks too.

Nurse Carrie: How do I get into your rooms so that the guards won’t see me.

Mauler: No problem. There’s a door here next to your room. It’s locked but I’ll use my Swiss Army knife to pick the lock.

Narrator: Mauler pries the lock open and let’s Nurse Carrie in.

Dr. Zorba: Nurse Carrie, what are you doing here? We’re all under arrest but we can’t remember what we were arrested for.

General Kane: Let her eat her supper first, Zorba. Can’t you see that the poor girl is starving?

Mauler: Yeah, I want to watch the Andy Griffin Show first anyway.

General Kane: Ha ha. There’s Lloyd the Barber. That guy cracks me up.

Narrator: While this conversation is going on, Andy Griffin is listening through a glass tumbler that he put up to the door.

Dr. Zorba: I have heard rumors that Andy can’t remember his lines.

Nurse Carrie: Those rumors are true. Watch Andy. Every time it’s his turn to say his lines he moves closer to Aunt Bea’s sofa.

Dr. Zorba: Why does he do that?

Nurse Carrie: Because Lloyd the Barber is behind the sofa whispering his lines to him.

Andy Griffin: That’s it Garney! I’ve heard enough. Let’s bust down the door right now and raid their little party.

Narrator: Andy and Garney force open the door and break into the prisoner’s hotel room.

Andy: Are you guys having a good time making a mockery of me?

Garney: Andy, how did they get all this food and alcohol up to the room? And how did Nurse Carrie get in their room?

Andy: All right, the party’s over boys and girls. Let’s get all the food and booze out of here and show it to Sheriff Pyle. Where is the Sheriff anyway?

Garney: Elmer’s still in the washroom. The poor guy’s been constipated all day.

General Kane: He might have fallen asleep on the toilet. Elmer had a long day and he’s not used to working this hard.

Dr. Zorba: The Sheriff’s no spring chicken either. He just has a couple of months to go before retirement.

General Kane: That’s precisely my point. The old guy needs his beauty sleep. Let him sleep in the bathroom for a while. In a few minutes we can ask the bellboy to get us another cot and Andy and Garney can lift Elmer off the toilet. We’ll let the Sheriff have a nice comfortable sleep on the cot tonight.

Andy: That’s very considerate of you General, but I’m still mad as hell about the way you guys were dissing me.

Mauler: Ha ha! We were just joshing with you, man. We knew you’d be listening to our conversation outside the door.

Andy: You mean you weren’t serious?

Nurse Carrie: Of course not. We know that Lloyd the Barber is a lying pig.

Dr. Zorba: It’s an honor to meet a great actor like you, Andy.

Garney: They sure had you going there, Andy.

Andy: Yeah, you guys really got me there, but hey, I’ve always enjoyed a good joke.

General Kane: I just got a great idea. Instead of letting all this good food and drink go to waste, why don’t you and Garney guard us from inside our room?

Mauler: That’s brilliant, General! There’s more than enough food and drinks here and if we run out we can just call room service and order some more.

Andy: That all sounds good but what do we do about Sheriff Pyle?

General Kane: Just what we discussed before. Just be careful taking Elmer off the toilet and putting him on the cot. We don’t want to wake him up.

Dr. Zorba: Yeah, don’t worry. I’ll give the Sheriff a shot of Xanax. He’ll sleep like a baby all night.

Narrator: Andy and Garney agree with the plan and are off to the washroom to find Sheriff Pyle.

TO BE CONTINUED

END OF VOLUME ONE

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Absolute Chaos Reigns: doctors, nurses, security guards, aliens and wrestlers


Act Eight Scene Three:

Narrator: We are now at the Roswell Hospital. Nurse Jane and Dr. Zorba have the alien on the operating table. The doctor is busy doing an assessment of his patient’s condition when General Kane comes barging into the operating room.

Dr. Zorba: What is the meaning of this? You can’t be in here. I’m examining a patient. Who are you?

General Kane: I am General Kane. I am now your Commander-in-Chief.

Dr. Zorba: I’m not under your command. I’m the Head of Surgery at this hospital.

General Kane: That doesn’t mean a hill of beans to me.

Dr. Zorba: What do you want from me?

General Kane: I want the creature. I’m taking him to the Air Force Base. We are flying in a couple of world renowned scientists to examine it.

Dr. Zorba: You’re not going to take my patient from this hospital until I give my medical clearance.

Narrator: Nurse Carrie hears a voice in her head. It’s the creature trying to communicate telepathically with her.

Nurse Carrie: The creature is trying to tell us something. He communicates telepathically.

Dr. Zorba: What is he saying?

Nurse Carrie: He says that he’s from a distant solar system that he and his crew were doing some exploration of our planet. The creature is now telling me that he is going to send a message to you, doctor.

The Alien (speaking telepathically) : Hello doctor. My name is Captain Zig. Thank you for trying to help me. I’m the commander of my spaceship or at least what’s left of it. Our spacecraft had a head-on collision with another spacecraft that we couldn’t identify. Three of my officers died in the crash. I’m the lone survivor. We only came to your planet to do research. We mean your planet no harm, but this man in the room with you, he scares me.

General Kane: What’s wrong Doc ? You look like you’re in a daze. Snap out of it and hand over this creature.

Dr. Zorba: This creature is an intelligent being from outside our solar system. He needs immediate medical attention. If you want this creature you’ll have to take him by force.

General Kane: It’s on!

Narrator: As General Kane moves toward the alien, Dr. Zorba steps in front of Jane, picks him up and executes a perfect piledriver on General Kane, driving him right into the cement floor.

Private Enns: You can’t do that! The pile driver’s been barred in three wrestling territories.

Dr. Zorba: In extreme circumstances one must resort to extreme measures.

Private Enns: You think you’re pretty tough don’t you, Zorba? Let’s see what you can do against a third-degree black belt.

Narrator: As all this chaos is breaking loose, Nurse Carrie returns holding a bedpan in her hands. When she sees Private Enns position himself in a karate kick stance, she throws the contents of the bedpan into his face. Meanwhile, General Kane, groggily, returns to his feet.

General Kane: You’re a dead man Zorba!

Narrator: Nurse Carrie runs down the hall to get help. When she gets part way down the hall she runs into Jim, the security guard. On each side of Jim are the two escaped convicts Harry O’Finsky and Steve Wyler.

Nurse Carrie: Thank goodness you’re here, Jim! We could really use your help. All hell is breaking loose in the operating room. Come quickly!

Narrator: As Jim, Harry and Steve arrive at the entrance to the operating room they can’t believe their eyes. Dr. Zorba has General
Kane in a camel clutch. Private Enns is in the washroom vomiting and trying to wash the urine and feces from his face and hair.

Steve: Holy crow, Mauler! The doctor is executing a perfect camel clutch on the General.

Narrator: By this time General Kane is howling in pain.

Masked Mauler: Come on, General, tap out! If Dr. Zorba keeps applying that kind of pressure you’ll be crippled.

General Kane: I’m a five-star general! I can take the pain. I’ll never tap out!

Act Eight Scene Four:

Narrator: At this point the Masked Mauler climbs up a tall medicine cabinet. When he gets to the top he leaps off the cabinet applying a vicious skull crusher to Dr. Zorba. Dr. Zorba is knocked out cold. At that moment Sheriff Pyle arrives in the operating room after receiving a 911 call.

Sheriff Pyle: All of you people are under arrest. I’m taking you all down to the courthouse.
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Ken David Stewart’s Greatest Hits (Volume 1 Excerpt 17)


“Yeah I know what you mean,” replied Matt. “I mean I love cars and all that but not sure I want to dedicate my whole life fixing them either. I’m not so sure I’m going to stick with this trade.”
“Well, well my friend, it sounds like were both in the same boat. Remember four-thirty tomorrow at the gym.”
“I’ll be there.” replied Matt.
The next day the two friends met at the gym. They decided it was going to be their arms day. The two guys had advanced to the stage in their workouts where they specialize in one body part per day. When they had finished changing and got to the gym floor they headed straight for the biceps curl machine. As Mike was starting his first set of bicep curls, Matt noticed two guys they had seen before enter the gym. “Hey, Mike. Get a load of those two dudes who just came in.”
“What is this?A circus?” Mike observed.
The two new guys that walked in did appear to be a bit strange. One of them had blue hair styled like a Mohawk. The other one had short orange hair on his head but had a pointed green goatee for a beard. They were both big guys. The one with the blue Mohawk probably weighed about 260 pounds. The one with the short orange hair and pointed green goatee probably weighed in at around 280 pounds. The two new guys appeared to know what they were doing. They headed straight for the bench press. One of them started warming up with a 45 pound dumbbell in each hand. He began to do a set of dumbbell chest presses. Both Mike and Matt were impressed at the ease with which the Blue Hair lifted the dumbbells. At the end of his first set of ten repetitions there wasn’t a bead of sweat on him. He didn’t sound out of breath either.
“I wonder what those two guys do for a living or if they even have jobs,” queried Mike.
“Beats me but they probably don’t sell cars or life insurance,” Matt joked.
“Those two guys are really getting me curious,” said Mike. “What if we asked them what they do for a living after they’ve finished working out?”
“I just hope those two dudes are friendly,” laughed Matt.
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Ken David Stewart’s Greatest Hits (Volume 1, Excerpt 12)


It was about 4 PM when Mike Spangle arrived at his favorite bar. His best friend Matt Dunning was already at a table and waved Mike over. What Mike arrived at Matt’s table he could see that Matt had been reading in auto technician’s textbook.” Studying hard?’ Mike asked his friend.
“Every chance I get,” replied Matt.” “Did you sub today?”
Since he graduated from the faculty of education last May Mike Spangle had been working as a substitute teacher. At this point in his life he was not certain that he wanted a full-time permanent career as a teacher. Mike and Matt have been friends since grade school. They attended the same schools in elementary, junior high and high school. They had always been tight. Their friendship probably started in grade 5 when Matt was being swarmed by a group of bullies. Fortunately for Matt, Mike was just coming around the corner when he heard the ruckus. Mike was considerably larger than most boys his age and had a reputation for being a tough fighter. Mike had never been known to lose a fight. “Do you girls want to make this a fair fight? I’m with Matt.” The bullies look sullen and then sheepishly walked away. This incident started a lifelong bond between Mike and Matt.
“Yeah, I subbed at Blue River Junior High.” Mike answered.
“How was it?” Matt asked.
“I could answer that in two words, “junior high”. They both began to laugh.
“So do you think you’re want to be a teacher all your life?”
“I don’t know. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought lately and I’m still undecided. When I talk with my cooperating teacher during my practicum he tells me he still putting in two hours of homework every night. I mean the guys been teaching for 20 years already. You would figure his workload would slow down.
Mr. James said that it doesn’t. He says that the school district is

always making them learn a new curriculum. The subjects and course material change every year he says. I’m starting to wonder if I’m dedicated enough to devote my whole life to teaching.”
“Yeah I know what you mean,” replied Matt. “I mean I love cars and all that but not sure I want to dedicate my whole life fixing them either. I’m not so sure I’m going to stick with this trade.”
“Well, well my friend, it sounds like were both in the same boat. Remember four-thirty tomorrow at the gym.”
“I’ll be there.” replied Matt.
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A Review of Summer Slam (Part Two) by Ken David Stewart


The Squared Circle Article 2:
Summer Slam Review (Part Two)
Two days ago I reviewed Part One of Summer Slam 2014. Today I’ll share my observations for Part Two. Bray Wyatt defeated Chris Jericho. The highlight of this match was seeing the expression on Jericho’s face while watching Bray performing his Exorcist routine. Like John Cena before him, this totally freaked Chris out and caused him to lose his focus during the remainder of the match.
Further into the show Roman Reigns beat Randy Orton. By this time Roman Reigns has become a fan favorite with the WWE Universe. Reigns is a much better role model than Bray Wyatt.
In the main event, Brock Lesnar gave John Cena one of the worst beatings I have ever seen. Cena was forced to go on the defensive right from the beginning of the match. John showed his courage by enduring sixteen suplexes from Brock Lesnar. I wondered why John Cena could not get a little more offense going during this contest. Was Cena under the weather or had Lesnar psyched John out with his pre-match fear tactics? One can only wonder how Cena s going to recover from this title loss.
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