Category: performance art

New Book Available in Paperback Shortly


New Book Will Be Available in Paperback Shortly:
My new book, The Wild and Hilarious World of The Roswell Gang will be available in a paperback edition shortly. My sample copy arrived yesterday evening. My wife, Martha Peters, read my play last night. Both she and I were very surprised that she liked it. I didn’t think that she would like the kind of humour in the book, but she actually laughed out loud a few times while reading it.
Martha said that she liked the book and saw it’s potential.
I also can see the potential that the book has. Most people will find the book to be both funny and entertaining. It makes for a good reading experience if you would like to escape from reality for an hour or two. For example, if you had a rough day either at work or at school, reading this play just might cheer you up. I think that a lot of middle school and high school students would also find it highly entertaining. Both middle school and high school ELA and drama/theatre teachers might like to have their students act out The Wild and Hilarious World of the Roswell Gang. Speaking as a retired teacher, I would definitely use this play(with some discretionary tweaks) with my class.
Check out the price. The Kindle version is now selling for only $1.12 as an introductory offer on Amazon. The paperback copy should also be released to the public shortly. The paperback edition also comes with a beautifully designed glossy cover.
My goal in publishing this book is to have people read it and to be greatly entertained.
Thank you for checking out my book and keep on reading!
Ken David Stewart
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Where Wrestling, Time Machines and Tomfoolery All Collide


Author’s Note:
It is now time to bring back two characters from a previous play, The Escaped Convict. The two characters are Steve Wyler and Harry O’Finsky. In my last play, Steven Wyler and Harry

O’Finsky are in a wrestling match with Hulk Hogan and Jake the Snake Roberts. There is mass chaos breaking out in the ring. Steve Tyler grabs Harry O’Finsky who is disguised as the Masked Mauler. The two convicts run backstage and enter an old storage room near the back of the arena.

Steve: We’ll be safe in here for a little while, Harry. I had to get you out of the ring before we both got arrested and even killed. As I was looking around the arena I saw the Warden as well as those two cons we stole the smokes from last month.

Harry: Man, its mighty dark and dusty in this old shed. Hey, Steve, look over there. What’s that big fancy wheel with all the fancy
colors?

Steve: I don’t know. Let’s check it out.

Harry: Wow, this thing is cool, Steve. It looks like some kind of antique car. It has two seats, a lever and a dash that’s all lit up.

Narrator: Steve and Harvey get into the seats of the car. Harry can’t resist pushing some buttons on the dash and pushing the lever forward. In a few seconds, the vehicle starts to shake and rattle and all Harry and all Steve can see is a swirling kaleidoscope of colors. In a few minutes their vehicle crashes in a farmer’s field.

Steve: What just happened? Where the heck are we?

Harry: Hey, look what it says on the dash. It says location Roswell, New Mexico, year 1947.

Steve: Harry, we just took a trip in a time machine! What luck! Who would’ve thought of a better escape?

Gary: Ha! Ha! I bet the Warden and Sam and Charles are looking all around the arena for us right now. Ha! Ha!

Steve: I can just see those two guys now. Sam and Charles running around all over the arena looking for us and the Warden and the guards chasing after them.

Harry: Meanwhile we’re in a different state fifty years in the past!

Steve: Man, I’m getting pretty hungry. We need to find a truck stop. Maybe if we do some walking around we’ll find a highway.

Harry: Good idea. We’ll wait for a trucker on his way into town.

Narrator: Jim, the security guard is now driving down the highway on his way to Corona to get the General his burgers, pepperoni sticks and cigars. He sees two hitch hikers trying to thumb a ride. Jim stops to pick them up.

Jim: Howdy boys, I’m going as far as Corona. Will that help you out?

Harry: It sure will. Are there any restaurants in Corona? We’re really hungry.

Jim: Well, there’s a Burger King and a 7-11. It’s about a two hour ride to Corona from here. If you guys are really starving I’ve got a couple of old, stale boxes of Animal Crackers in the car. Well, hop in boys. I’m running an errand for the General.

Steve: Thanks a lot, man. We really appreciate it.

Narrator: Harry and Steve get in the back of Jim’s old Volkswagen Bug. The two convicts introduce themselves to Jim.

Jim: Hey, Harry. How come you’re wearing wrestling trunks and boots?

Harry: Well, during my last match, two criminals broke into the dressing room and stole all my street clothes.

Jim: Man, you really have to be some kind of low life to steal another dude’s clothes. It’s really gets hot in the daytime but by nightfall it’s awful chilly out in these parts. We’ll find you a new set of clothes when we get back to Corona. It won’t be easy though, Harry. You’re a pretty big guy.

Steve: Harry’s stage name is the Masked Mauler. Put on your mask Harry.

Jim: Man, that mask is cool! When’s your next match?

Steve: I’m the Mauler’s manager. We’re out here scouting for a new territory for the Mauler to wrestle in. He’s barred from all our old territories because he has a nasty habit of hanging promoters over the

bridges of local rivers. Mauler gets really upset when promoters don’t book him in the main event. I’m going to register Harry for some anger management classes in the fall. Hey, Jim, do you know of any wrestling promoters out in these parts?

Jim: Yeah I do, General Kane. He’s the guy I’m running this errand for. He says that these wrestling cards are good for the troop’s morale. I’ll tell you what. You buys boys ride back with me to Roswell after I finish this errand. The General might be interested in booking the Masked Mauler. He likes to book wrestlers with lots of attitude.

Steve: Gee, Thanks Jim. We could sure use the work.

Jim: One thing I should warn you about. General Kane doesn’t believe that wrestling is fake. He wants to see plenty of blood and pile drivers done right on the cement floor outside the ring. Real hardcore Mick Foley type of wrestling.

Harry: Well the General has nothing to worry about. I’ll give him all the blood, guts and pile drivers he wants. Good to know that some people up there know the truth. Wrestling is not fake!

Oscar&Grover

If You Like The Trailer Park Boys You”ll Love This


Act Seven Scene One:

Narrator: Dusty manages to convince Lloyd that he owes it to his fans to do tonight’s interview on Rick and Dwight’s Radio Show. Lloyd staggers down the sidewalk to the radio station. Before going in he realizes he needs to take a leak really bad. Lloyd pulls up in front of Dwight’s car and sets his sights upon the back passenger tire. Dwight is looking out the window trying to see if Lloyd will show up in time for his interview. He sees what Dwight is doing and runs over to the space where the door used to be. He yells at Lloyd.

Dwight: Hey Lloyd, what are doing taking a leak on my car’s tire.

Lloyd: Sorry Dwight. I couldn’t hold it long enough to make it to your washroom on time.

Dwight: Have you been drinking at Dusty’s, Lloyd?

Lloyd: Just in the afternoon.

Narrator:
By this time Rick has joined Dwight by the open space where the door used to be. He quickly catches the gist of the situation.

Rick: Lloyd, I’m cancelling your interview for this evening. You’re so drunk that you can barely stand up straight.

Lloyd: I’ll be all right. Just put me in a chair. I have a hell of a story to tell your listeners.

Dwight: Did something unusual happen on the set of The Andy Griffin Show?

Lloyd: No, but I didn’t come here to talk about The Andy Griffin Show.

Rick: Then what are you going to talk about Lloyd? About the time you were so drunk you cut off a piece of a customer’s ear while you were giving him a haircut?

Lloyd: No, but I did that guy a favor. One of his ears was bigger than the other before I made the adjustment for him. I even took out a needle and thread and put stitches in what was left of his ear.

Dwight: Come to think of it, Rick, that is a pretty good story. Maybe Lloyd should tell it on the show tonight. If the mayor is listening he might even give Lloyd a medal for stopping the guy from bleeding to death.

Rick: Don’t be ridiculous Dwight. Lloyd would lose his day job. Who’s going to want to get a haircut from a drunk barber?

Dwight: You’re probably right. Maybe Lloyd should have trained to be a paramedic instead of a barber.

Lloyd: Look, I’ve heard enough from you two guys. I want to start my interview now, before I pass out.

Dwight: Do you think you might puke too, Lloyd?

Lloyd: Yeah, probably, just before I pass out.

Dwight: Thanks for warning us in advance Lloyd. I’ll go get a bucket from the janitor’s supply room.

Lloyd: But I’m not going to tell the story on the air about cutting off a piece of the guy’s ear. I gotta admit, though, it’s pretty funny.

Dwight: We better get started with Lloyd’s interview now Rick. It’s already past seven o’clock.

Narrator: Rick nods to Dwight in agreement and switches on the green light and the microphones.

Rick: Good evening listeners. We apologize for the late start to the evening show, but we had a few technical difficulties we needed to correct. It will be worth the wait, however. As promised, we’re going to do the interview with our very special guest, Lloyd the Barber, one of the stars of the Andy Griffin Show.

Lloyd: Not one of the stars of The Andy Griffin Show, the star of the Andy Griffin Show. The rest of the cast aren’t stars. It’s a stretch to even call them actors.

Dwight: I’m hearing some bitterness in your voice, Lloyd.

Lloyd: No, you’re not hearing bitterness you’re hearing the truth. It’s about time somebody told the truth about that show.

Rick: Aren’t you afraid of losing your job on the show, Lloyd.

Lloyd: Ah, come on, Rick. If they fire me they may as well shut down the whole show. Besides, I still have my day job at the barber shop anyway. It’s not like I’m going to starve to death.

Dwight: How about that guy who lost part of his ear in your barber shop?

Lloyd: Shut up Dwight! First of all, that’s an urban legend and secondly, I thought we all agreed we weren’t going to discuss that incident on the show.

Rick: Okay, chill out Lloyd. Loyal listeners I apologize for Lloyd’s temper tonight. He doesn’t appear to be in a very good mood this evening.

Lloyd: And you wouldn’t be either if you had to work two jobs all the time just to make ends meet.

Rick: Well said, Lloyd. You told us when you first came in the station that you had a great news story for us.

Lloyd: Great? Great story? It’s the most important story of the century!

Dwight: Go for it, Lloyd. We’re all ears and so are our listeners.

Lloyd: Well, let me tell you this. You guys are going to owe me big time after this.
Anyway, do you guys remember that rancher you had in earlier today?

Rick: You mean Mick Russell, our guest on the morning show who the military arrested twice today?

Lloyd: Yeah, that’s him. Well, he was telling the truth. At first, I thought he was some kind of whack job until I had his story confirmed. In fact, Mick only knew part of the story. He was right about the crashed flying saucer, but he didn’t know about the aliens in the space ship.

Dwight: What? Aliens? Creatures from outer space?

Lloyd: That’s right. It’s absolutely true. A space ship, possibly two of them crashed right here in Roswell and Corona. The army found four aliens, three were DOA but one is still alive. They were doing an autopsy in Roswell Hospital on one of the dead aliens two days ago.

Rick: Who told you this and why should we believe you?

Lloyd: Because I drew a sketch of one of the creatures right here on the sleeve of my shirt. I saw a nurse from the hospital draw it on a napkin when I was at Dusty’s Tavern the other night. She didn’t know that I was making my own copy of the drawing because I was hiding behind a palm tree.

Dwight: So now you’re telling us that Dusty has palm trees growing in his bar? Does he have a beach with sand there too?

Lloyd: How can you be so stupid, Dwight? It was the artificial palm tree that Dusty keeps near the front door of the bar.

Rick: Let’ see. I’m looking at the picture on Dwight’s sleeve now. The creature has an enormous head with large oval eyes. It’s probably only about three or four feet tall by the looks of it. It’s skin color appears to be a blend of gray and green.

Lloyd: No, that’s a mistake on my drawing. While I was shading in the gray with a pencil I had to sneeze. I didn’t have any Kleenex so I had to wipe my nose on my sleeve.

Rick: So does that mean its skin color is all gray?

Lloyd: Yes, that’s how Nurse Jane described it.

Dwight: What else did the nurse say Lloyd?

Lloyd: She said there were two men with cameras in the room and that they were taking pictures during the autopsy.

Rick: Keep going Lloyd. Did she say anything else?

Lloyd: Yeah, she said that there was a terrible odor in the operating room sort of like the smell in the restroom at Moe’s Garage.

Dwight: That’s disgusting. A couple of weeks ago I was there. I was on my way home from work when I had a bad case of the runs. I had no choice but to use Moe’s washroom. I thought of doing my business behind a big cactus in the desert, but I’m too scared of scorpions, rattlesnakes and tarantulas.

Rick: You said enough already, Dwight. Our listeners don’t need to hear any

more details. Most of them are probably eating their dinner now. Go on, Lloyd.

Lloyd: Well, like I was saying the smell in the operating room was so bad that Nurse Jane had to run outside to barf.
Lloyd: Oh no! I think I’ going to barf right now.
Dwight: Quick Lloyd. Puke in the garbage can by Rick’s shoes.
Nattator: Lloyd aims his head as close to the bucket as he can but some vomit still manages to splatter on Rick’s shoes.

Rick: Dang it Lloyd. Look at my shoes! Hold on. We have another caller on the line. I think it’s Moe Miller, the owner of Moe’s Garage.

Moe: What’s all this talk about the supposed bad smell in the washroom at my garage?

Dwight: Well, you have to admit it gets a bit funky in your washroom, Moe.

Moe: No, I don’t have to admit to anything right now, Dwight. I’m not on trial here.

Rick: You’re right, Moe, but it would help your cause if you took a little more time cleaning up your washroom more often.

Moe: Great suggestion, Rick. The problem is that I run a business here and my goal is to make a profit from it, not to go bankrupt.

Rick: How’s cleaning up your washroom going to make you go bankrupt?

Moe: Well, obviously, you know nothing about running a business. You’ve got your cushy, clean desk job as a radio station host because you married the owner’s daughter.
Now some guys like me have to earn a living the old fashioned way, by not being afraid to get our hands a little dirty.

Dwight: That’s a very interesting rant, Moe, but you still haven’t answered Rick’s question.

Moe: I was just leading up to that. It’s simple economics. I can only afford to hire two full time guys at my service station. One worker does all the mechanical repairs and a young kid pumps the gas for the customers. All three of us are working all the time and somebody uses the washroom about every five minutes. I don’t have the staff to clean the washroom every five minutes. It would help, too, if the customers treated our washroom with more respect. They pee on the toilet seat, pee on the floor, puke in the toilet and leave barf on the rim of the toilet. They also leave toilet paper all over the floor. So I don’t appreciate you guys putting all the mess and stench all on me.

Dwight: Hold on listeners. We have another caller on the line. At this time I would advise all of listeners who have kids at home to send them out to the barn to do their chores. We are having a very volatile and controversial show this evening and you may not want your children listening to parts of it.

Rick: That’s right Dwight. Our show is billed as a family show, but tonight it has evolved into a very heated and emotional show. Hold on, I think we have Mick Russell on the line.

Mick Russell: Yeah, this is Mick Russell. Will you guys shut up? I just took a bite out of my triple patty cheeseburger when I turned on the radio.

I hear you guys talking about diarrhea, puking and the horrible stench in Moe’s washroom. I immediately tossed my cheeseburger out the window.

Dwight: What a waste Mick! You should have given it to your dog, Chopper.

Mick: You don’t have to worry about that. Chopper just ran out the back door to go look for it.

Rick: Mick, now that we’ve got you on the line what do you make of the story that Lloyd just told us?

Mick: Look, you guys, I got offers to tell my story on the Larry King Show. So you’re not going to get any more free information from me. Have a good evening boys.

Ken David Stewart’s Greatest Hits (Volume 1 Excerpt 17)


“Yeah I know what you mean,” replied Matt. “I mean I love cars and all that but not sure I want to dedicate my whole life fixing them either. I’m not so sure I’m going to stick with this trade.”
“Well, well my friend, it sounds like were both in the same boat. Remember four-thirty tomorrow at the gym.”
“I’ll be there.” replied Matt.
The next day the two friends met at the gym. They decided it was going to be their arms day. The two guys had advanced to the stage in their workouts where they specialize in one body part per day. When they had finished changing and got to the gym floor they headed straight for the biceps curl machine. As Mike was starting his first set of bicep curls, Matt noticed two guys they had seen before enter the gym. “Hey, Mike. Get a load of those two dudes who just came in.”
“What is this?A circus?” Mike observed.
The two new guys that walked in did appear to be a bit strange. One of them had blue hair styled like a Mohawk. The other one had short orange hair on his head but had a pointed green goatee for a beard. They were both big guys. The one with the blue Mohawk probably weighed about 260 pounds. The one with the short orange hair and pointed green goatee probably weighed in at around 280 pounds. The two new guys appeared to know what they were doing. They headed straight for the bench press. One of them started warming up with a 45 pound dumbbell in each hand. He began to do a set of dumbbell chest presses. Both Mike and Matt were impressed at the ease with which the Blue Hair lifted the dumbbells. At the end of his first set of ten repetitions there wasn’t a bead of sweat on him. He didn’t sound out of breath either.
“I wonder what those two guys do for a living or if they even have jobs,” queried Mike.
“Beats me but they probably don’t sell cars or life insurance,” Matt joked.
“Those two guys are really getting me curious,” said Mike. “What if we asked them what they do for a living after they’ve finished working out?”
“I just hope those two dudes are friendly,” laughed Matt.
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Ken David Stewart’s Greatest Hits (Volume 1 Excerpt 13)


Act Three Scene Three:

Narrator: Zeke, the hospital custodian, runs up to General Kane.

Zeke: General, the guy we locked up in the store room broke the window and escaped!

General Kane: Enns get in the truck. We’ve got to catch that rancher before he starts shooting his mouth off again.

Narrator: Enns and Kane start riding down the back lane. They stop when they see two dogcatchers climbing out of the dumpster.

Private Enns: Look, General. The city makes those poor dogcatchers hunt for dogs in the dumpster.

General Kane: I doubt that Enns. Roswell city employees have a union.

Private Enns: Maybe the dog catchers aren’t included in the union contract.

General Kane: What the heck are you guys doing in the dumpster? Just look at you guys all covered in garbage. You’re a disgrace to the uniform!

Private Enns: I thought city employees made good money. You guys shouldn’t have to scrounge around for food in the dumpster.

Hoss: We’re not looking for food. A large Rottweiler chased us into the dumpster.

General Kane: Men, it’s your job to catch dogs, not run away from them!

Harvey: Well there’s a whole other side to this story. You tell them what happened, Hoss.

Hoss: Well, it’s kind of a long story. We were sitting in the truck having our smoke break when we saw this guy stumbling down the back lane.

Harvey: Yeah, this guy tells us this goofy story about escaping from the hospital. He said two military guys kidnapped him and threw him in the back of a truck with a bunch of aliens.

Hoss: Ha! ha! ha! And then he says something about a nurse giving him a shot of horse tranquilizer in the backside.

Private Enns: They’re talking about Mick, General.

General Kane: I know! So where’s this guy now?

Private Enns: Yeah. And don’t you guys have a truck or something to put the dogs in when you catch them?

General Kane: They don’t need one. The dogs all chase them into the dumpster. Ha ha ha!

Harvey: Look General, this is no laughing matter. The guy drove off with our truck.

Private Enns: I don’t get it. There’s two of you against one of him.

Hoss Well it’s kind of a long story. You tell them, Harvey.

Harvey: Well, while Hoss and I were trying to pull this guy into the truck, the keys fall out of Hoss’s pants The guy grabbed the keys and let the Rottweiler out the back of the truck.

General Kane: Now let me guess, and then the dog chased you guys into the dumpster.

Hoss: Yeah, that’s pretty much the way it happened.

Private Enns: You guys are hilarious. You’re funnier than Lloyd the Barber on the Andy Griffin Show. You guys should go tell your story on Rick and Dwight’s radio show.

General Kane: I have a feeling that’s where Mick is right now.

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Ken David Stewart’s Greatest Hits (Volume 1, Excerpt 12)


It was about 4 PM when Mike Spangle arrived at his favorite bar. His best friend Matt Dunning was already at a table and waved Mike over. What Mike arrived at Matt’s table he could see that Matt had been reading in auto technician’s textbook.” Studying hard?’ Mike asked his friend.
“Every chance I get,” replied Matt.” “Did you sub today?”
Since he graduated from the faculty of education last May Mike Spangle had been working as a substitute teacher. At this point in his life he was not certain that he wanted a full-time permanent career as a teacher. Mike and Matt have been friends since grade school. They attended the same schools in elementary, junior high and high school. They had always been tight. Their friendship probably started in grade 5 when Matt was being swarmed by a group of bullies. Fortunately for Matt, Mike was just coming around the corner when he heard the ruckus. Mike was considerably larger than most boys his age and had a reputation for being a tough fighter. Mike had never been known to lose a fight. “Do you girls want to make this a fair fight? I’m with Matt.” The bullies look sullen and then sheepishly walked away. This incident started a lifelong bond between Mike and Matt.
“Yeah, I subbed at Blue River Junior High.” Mike answered.
“How was it?” Matt asked.
“I could answer that in two words, “junior high”. They both began to laugh.
“So do you think you’re want to be a teacher all your life?”
“I don’t know. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought lately and I’m still undecided. When I talk with my cooperating teacher during my practicum he tells me he still putting in two hours of homework every night. I mean the guys been teaching for 20 years already. You would figure his workload would slow down.
Mr. James said that it doesn’t. He says that the school district is

always making them learn a new curriculum. The subjects and course material change every year he says. I’m starting to wonder if I’m dedicated enough to devote my whole life to teaching.”
“Yeah I know what you mean,” replied Matt. “I mean I love cars and all that but not sure I want to dedicate my whole life fixing them either. I’m not so sure I’m going to stick with this trade.”
“Well, well my friend, it sounds like were both in the same boat. Remember four-thirty tomorrow at the gym.”
“I’ll be there.” replied Matt.
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