New Book Will Be Available in Paperback Shortly:
My new book, The Wild and Hilarious World of The Roswell Gang will be available in a paperback edition shortly. My sample copy arrived yesterday evening. My wife, Martha Peters, read my play last night. Both she and I were very surprised that she liked it. I didn’t think that she would like the kind of humour in the book, but she actually laughed out loud a few times while reading it.
Martha said that she liked the book and saw it’s potential.
I also can see the potential that the book has. Most people will find the book to be both funny and entertaining. It makes for a good reading experience if you would like to escape from reality for an hour or two. For example, if you had a rough day either at work or at school, reading this play just might cheer you up. I think that a lot of middle school and high school students would also find it highly entertaining. Both middle school and high school ELA and drama/theatre teachers might like to have their students act out The Wild and Hilarious World of the Roswell Gang. Speaking as a retired teacher, I would definitely use this play(with some discretionary tweaks) with my class.
Check out the price. The Kindle version is now selling for only $1.12 as an introductory offer on Amazon. The paperback copy should also be released to the public shortly. The paperback edition also comes with a beautifully designed glossy cover.
My goal in publishing this book is to have people read it and to be greatly entertained.
Thank you for checking out my book and keep on reading!
Ken David Stewart
Act Ten Scene One:
Narrator: The hotel clerk opens the room for General Kane, Dr. Zorba and the Masked Mauler. He then shows Nurse Carrie to her room.
Sheriff: Bellboy, could you put on a pot a coffee and bring us a couple of packs of Marlboroughs? We will also need a night table and three chairs. Andy, Garney and myself will be staying up all night outside the prisoners’ doors.
Terry Mason: Hello, room service? Could you send up an eight ounce New York sirloin steak up to room one along with a bottle of your best white wine?
Dusty: What? Look pal, this is The Roswell Hotel not the Keg. I can send you a cheeseburger and fries. If you want something to drink you can pick up some beer at the vendor downstairs.
Terry Mason: You don’t understand, sir. This is Terry Mason, the famous lawyer. You’ve seen me on t.v.
Dusty: Yeah, right. And I’m Padlock.
Terry Mason: No. Padlock’s in room two.
Narrator: Dusty laughs and hangs up the phone. Meanwhile, General Kane, Dr. Zorba and the Masked Mauler are getting settled in a hotel room number three.
Dr. Zorba: Well, seeing as were going to be roommates for the night and all, I guess I should apologize to you, General.
General Kane: Apologize for what?
Dr. Zorba: For knocking you out back at the hospital.
General Kane: What would I be doing at the hospital? I got a splitting headache, but I wouldn’t go to the hospital just for that. I’m too tough talk to see a doctor about a measly little headache. I could use an ice pack and a couple of Tylenol, though.
Dr. Zorba: You don’t remember being at the hospital, General? This sounds like case of temporary amnesia.
General Kane: This is strange. The last thing I remember was teaching basic training to some new recruits but that would have been a couple of weeks ago.
Mauler: By the way Dr. Zorba I need to apologize for knocking you out cold with a flying head butt.
Dr. Zorba: I don’t remember anything about that. The last thing I remember was putting the camel clutch on General Kane. After that my mind went blank. Mauler, I need you to call room service and ask them to bring a cot. And ask them for an icepack and a bottle of Tylenol for the General while you’re at it.
General Kane: Good idea. Are you guys getting hungry? I feel like having some burgers and fries. Come to think of it I wouldn’t mind a bottle of good Kentucky bourbon and a case of Bud.
Narrator: The Masked Mauler calls the front desk and asks to speak to the bellboy.
Mauler: Bellboy, this is room three. We’d like to order an ice pack, a bottle of Tylenol, nine cheeseburgers, six large French fries, a bottle of Jack Daniels bourbon and twenty-four cans of Budweiser beer. Oh I just about forgot. We’ll need a cot for the room, too.
Bellboy: Room three? You guys are all prisoners. The sheriff wouldn’t allow prisoners to have alcohol in their rooms.
Narrator: The Masked Mauler shakes his head and then hands the phone over to General Kane.
General Kane: Listen son, when I was in Vietnam we used to cut open the cots that the VC used for sleeping. We’d pull out the stuffing and load them up with time bombs. And then we’d sew them up and wait for the enemy to go to sleep. After a few minutes of sleepy bye it would be just like the Fourth of July.
Bellboy: I catch your drift sir. You want me to take the stuffing out of the cot, load it up with booze and sew it up again.
General Kane: You catch on fast, son.
Bellboy: I’m taking quite a risk here, sir. What’s in it for me?
General Kane: Do you like wrestling, son?
Bellboy: I love wrestling but I can’t afford the tickets for the Air Force Base wrestling cards.
General Kane: I’ll tell you what, son. I’m the wrestling promoter at the Air Force Base. You carry out the plan we just discussed and I’ll get you a pair of ringside seats for the next card. Add some White Owl cigars and some pepperoni sticks to our order and I’ll make sure you get an exclusive backstage pass to meet all the wrestlers after the show.
Bell Boy: Hot diggity dog! I’m working on your order as we speak.
Narrator: After 15 minutes has passed the bellboy delivers the cot containing all the contraband to room number three. The starving guests rip up the cot and immediately dig into their cheeseburgers and fries.
General Kane: Hey, Mauler, turn on the TV. Let’s see what’s on.
Mauler: Hey, what luck! It’s the Andy Griffin Show.
Narrator: The three prisoners hear someone pounding on the wall from the room next door.
Nurse Carrie: Hey, do you guys have any food in there? I’m starving.
Dr. Zorba: Yeah, tons of food and drinks too.
Nurse Carrie: How do I get into your rooms so that the guards won’t see me.
Mauler: No problem. There’s a door here next to your room. It’s locked but I’ll use my Swiss Army knife to pick the lock.
Narrator: Mauler pries the lock open and let’s Nurse Carrie in.
Dr. Zorba: Nurse Carrie, what are you doing here? We’re all under arrest but we can’t remember what we were arrested for.
General Kane: Let her eat her supper first, Zorba. Can’t you see that the poor girl is starving?
Mauler: Yeah, I want to watch the Andy Griffin Show first anyway.
General Kane: Ha ha. There’s Lloyd the Barber. That guy cracks me up.
Narrator: While this conversation is going on, Andy Griffin is listening through a glass tumbler that he put up to the door.
Dr. Zorba: I have heard rumors that Andy can’t remember his lines.
Nurse Carrie: Those rumors are true. Watch Andy. Every time it’s his turn to say his lines he moves closer to Aunt Bea’s sofa.
Dr. Zorba: Why does he do that?
Nurse Carrie: Because Lloyd the Barber is behind the sofa whispering his lines to him.
Andy Griffin: That’s it Garney! I’ve heard enough. Let’s bust down the door right now and raid their little party.
Narrator: Andy and Garney force open the door and break into the prisoner’s hotel room.
Andy: Are you guys having a good time making a mockery of me?
Garney: Andy, how did they get all this food and alcohol up to the room? And how did Nurse Carrie get in their room?
Andy: All right, the party’s over boys and girls. Let’s get all the food and booze out of here and show it to Sheriff Pyle. Where is the Sheriff anyway?
Garney: Elmer’s still in the washroom. The poor guy’s been constipated all day.
General Kane: He might have fallen asleep on the toilet. Elmer had a long day and he’s not used to working this hard.
Dr. Zorba: The Sheriff’s no spring chicken either. He just has a couple of months to go before retirement.
General Kane: That’s precisely my point. The old guy needs his beauty sleep. Let him sleep in the bathroom for a while. In a few minutes we can ask the bellboy to get us another cot and Andy and Garney can lift Elmer off the toilet. We’ll let the Sheriff have a nice comfortable sleep on the cot tonight.
Andy: That’s very considerate of you General, but I’m still mad as hell about the way you guys were dissing me.
Mauler: Ha ha! We were just joshing with you, man. We knew you’d be listening to our conversation outside the door.
Andy: You mean you weren’t serious?
Nurse Carrie: Of course not. We know that Lloyd the Barber is a lying pig.
Dr. Zorba: It’s an honor to meet a great actor like you, Andy.
Garney: They sure had you going there, Andy.
Andy: Yeah, you guys really got me there, but hey, I’ve always enjoyed a good joke.
General Kane: I just got a great idea. Instead of letting all this good food and drink go to waste, why don’t you and Garney guard us from inside our room?
Mauler: That’s brilliant, General! There’s more than enough food and drinks here and if we run out we can just call room service and order some more.
Andy: That all sounds good but what do we do about Sheriff Pyle?
General Kane: Just what we discussed before. Just be careful taking Elmer off the toilet and putting him on the cot. We don’t want to wake him up.
Dr. Zorba: Yeah, don’t worry. I’ll give the Sheriff a shot of Xanax. He’ll sleep like a baby all night.
Narrator: Andy and Garney agree with the plan and are off to the washroom to find Sheriff Pyle.
TO BE CONTINUED
END OF VOLUME ONE
Author’s Note For Roswell 1947, A Play
I decided to compile my writings in my serialized play, Roswell 1947 in a book to be self- published. This has turned out to be quite the undertaking as I had to search for sections of the play in many different places. I wrote this play in serialized blog posts over a period of years. I have attempted to piece the play together in much the same way that one would attempt to put together a challenging jigsaw puzzle. To many readers the finished product may not make much sense. This is probably as it should be as Roswell 1947, A Play turned out to be a surreal merging of fantasy, science fiction and comedy. It has been a labor of love compiling this play. Its purpose is entirely to entertain the reader.
Ken David Stewart
Act Nine Scene Three:
Narrator: Before leaving for court, Sheriff Pyle makes a phone call to Andy Griffith.
Sheriff Pyle: Andy? Elmer Pyle. What are you up to?
Andy: I’m on my way to the radio station to teach those two idiots, Dwight and Rick some manners. They’ve been dissing me all day on their show.
Sheriff Pyle: Well, maybe you could put that on hold for a little while, Buddy. Look, I need a big favor from you.
Andy: No problem. You didn’t charge me with three drunk and disorderlies last month.
Sheriff: I didn’t want to do that Andy. You are a hero to a lot of people in this town. Like I was saying I need your help. I got four perps in custody. I have to book them into the hotel overnight and I’ll need some help supervising them until they go to court for their hearings in the morning. Do you think that you and Garney Fife could stand guard outside their rooms tonight?
Andy: This sounds like real serious police work, Sheriff. You think you can get Garney and me law enforcement officer badges? Real ones I mean. Not cheap fake toy sheriff badges like they give us for the show.
Sheriff: Yeah, I got a couple of spare ones in my top desk drawer.
Act Seven Scene One:
Narrator: Dusty manages to convince Lloyd that he owes it to his fans to do tonight’s interview on Rick and Dwight’s Radio Show. Lloyd staggers down the sidewalk to the radio station. Before going in he realizes he needs to take a leak really bad. Lloyd pulls up in front of Dwight’s car and sets his sights upon the back passenger tire. Dwight is looking out the window trying to see if Lloyd will show up in time for his interview. He sees what Dwight is doing and runs over to the space where the door used to be. He yells at Lloyd.
Dwight: Hey Lloyd, what are doing taking a leak on my car’s tire.
Lloyd: Sorry Dwight. I couldn’t hold it long enough to make it to your washroom on time.
Dwight: Have you been drinking at Dusty’s, Lloyd?
Lloyd: Just in the afternoon.
By this time Rick has joined Dwight by the open space where the door used to be. He quickly catches the gist of the situation.
Rick: Lloyd, I’m cancelling your interview for this evening. You’re so drunk that you can barely stand up straight.
Lloyd: I’ll be all right. Just put me in a chair. I have a hell of a story to tell your listeners.
Dwight: Did something unusual happen on the set of The Andy Griffin Show?
Lloyd: No, but I didn’t come here to talk about The Andy Griffin Show.
Rick: Then what are you going to talk about Lloyd? About the time you were so drunk you cut off a piece of a customer’s ear while you were giving him a haircut?
Lloyd: No, but I did that guy a favor. One of his ears was bigger than the other before I made the adjustment for him. I even took out a needle and thread and put stitches in what was left of his ear.
Dwight: Come to think of it, Rick, that is a pretty good story. Maybe Lloyd should tell it on the show tonight. If the mayor is listening he might even give Lloyd a medal for stopping the guy from bleeding to death.
Rick: Don’t be ridiculous Dwight. Lloyd would lose his day job. Who’s going to want to get a haircut from a drunk barber?
Dwight: You’re probably right. Maybe Lloyd should have trained to be a paramedic instead of a barber.
Lloyd: Look, I’ve heard enough from you two guys. I want to start my interview now, before I pass out.
Dwight: Do you think you might puke too, Lloyd?
Lloyd: Yeah, probably, just before I pass out.
Dwight: Thanks for warning us in advance Lloyd. I’ll go get a bucket from the janitor’s supply room.
Lloyd: But I’m not going to tell the story on the air about cutting off a piece of the guy’s ear. I gotta admit, though, it’s pretty funny.
Dwight: We better get started with Lloyd’s interview now Rick. It’s already past seven o’clock.
Narrator: Rick nods to Dwight in agreement and switches on the green light and the microphones.
Rick: Good evening listeners. We apologize for the late start to the evening show, but we had a few technical difficulties we needed to correct. It will be worth the wait, however. As promised, we’re going to do the interview with our very special guest, Lloyd the Barber, one of the stars of the Andy Griffin Show.
Lloyd: Not one of the stars of The Andy Griffin Show, the star of the Andy Griffin Show. The rest of the cast aren’t stars. It’s a stretch to even call them actors.
Dwight: I’m hearing some bitterness in your voice, Lloyd.
Lloyd: No, you’re not hearing bitterness you’re hearing the truth. It’s about time somebody told the truth about that show.
Rick: Aren’t you afraid of losing your job on the show, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Ah, come on, Rick. If they fire me they may as well shut down the whole show. Besides, I still have my day job at the barber shop anyway. It’s not like I’m going to starve to death.
Dwight: How about that guy who lost part of his ear in your barber shop?
Lloyd: Shut up Dwight! First of all, that’s an urban legend and secondly, I thought we all agreed we weren’t going to discuss that incident on the show.
Rick: Okay, chill out Lloyd. Loyal listeners I apologize for Lloyd’s temper tonight. He doesn’t appear to be in a very good mood this evening.
Lloyd: And you wouldn’t be either if you had to work two jobs all the time just to make ends meet.
Rick: Well said, Lloyd. You told us when you first came in the station that you had a great news story for us.
Lloyd: Great? Great story? It’s the most important story of the century!
Dwight: Go for it, Lloyd. We’re all ears and so are our listeners.
Lloyd: Well, let me tell you this. You guys are going to owe me big time after this.
Anyway, do you guys remember that rancher you had in earlier today?
Rick: You mean Mick Russell, our guest on the morning show who the military arrested twice today?
Lloyd: Yeah, that’s him. Well, he was telling the truth. At first, I thought he was some kind of whack job until I had his story confirmed. In fact, Mick only knew part of the story. He was right about the crashed flying saucer, but he didn’t know about the aliens in the space ship.
Dwight: What? Aliens? Creatures from outer space?
Lloyd: That’s right. It’s absolutely true. A space ship, possibly two of them crashed right here in Roswell and Corona. The army found four aliens, three were DOA but one is still alive. They were doing an autopsy in Roswell Hospital on one of the dead aliens two days ago.
Rick: Who told you this and why should we believe you?
Lloyd: Because I drew a sketch of one of the creatures right here on the sleeve of my shirt. I saw a nurse from the hospital draw it on a napkin when I was at Dusty’s Tavern the other night. She didn’t know that I was making my own copy of the drawing because I was hiding behind a palm tree.
Dwight: So now you’re telling us that Dusty has palm trees growing in his bar? Does he have a beach with sand there too?
Lloyd: How can you be so stupid, Dwight? It was the artificial palm tree that Dusty keeps near the front door of the bar.
Rick: Let’ see. I’m looking at the picture on Dwight’s sleeve now. The creature has an enormous head with large oval eyes. It’s probably only about three or four feet tall by the looks of it. It’s skin color appears to be a blend of gray and green.
Lloyd: No, that’s a mistake on my drawing. While I was shading in the gray with a pencil I had to sneeze. I didn’t have any Kleenex so I had to wipe my nose on my sleeve.
Rick: So does that mean its skin color is all gray?
Lloyd: Yes, that’s how Nurse Jane described it.
Dwight: What else did the nurse say Lloyd?
Lloyd: She said there were two men with cameras in the room and that they were taking pictures during the autopsy.
Rick: Keep going Lloyd. Did she say anything else?
Lloyd: Yeah, she said that there was a terrible odor in the operating room sort of like the smell in the restroom at Moe’s Garage.
Dwight: That’s disgusting. A couple of weeks ago I was there. I was on my way home from work when I had a bad case of the runs. I had no choice but to use Moe’s washroom. I thought of doing my business behind a big cactus in the desert, but I’m too scared of scorpions, rattlesnakes and tarantulas.
Rick: You said enough already, Dwight. Our listeners don’t need to hear any more details. Most of them are probably eating their dinner now. Go on, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Well, like I was saying the smell in the operating room was so bad that Nurse Jane had to run outside to barf.
Lloyd: Oh no! I think I’m going to barf right now.
Dwight: Quick Lloyd. Puke in the bucket by Rick’s shoes.
Nattator: Lloyd aims his head as close to the bucket as he can but some vomit still manages to splatter on Rick’s shoes.
Rick: Dang it Lloyd. Look at my shoes! Hold on. We have another caller on the line. I think it’s Moe Miller, the owner of Moe’s Garage.
Moe: What’s all this talk about the supposed bad smell in the washroom at my garage?
Dwight: Well, you have to admit it gets a bit funky in your washroom, Moe.
Moe: No, I don’t have to admit to anything right now, Dwight. I’m not on trial here.
Rick: You’re right, Moe, but it would help your cause if you took a little more time cleaning up your washroom more often.
Moe: Great suggestion, Rick. The problem is that I run a business here and my goal is to make a profit from it, not to go bankrupt.
Rick: How’s cleaning up your washroom going to make you go bankrupt?
Moe: Well, obviously, you know nothing about running a business. You’ve got your cushy, clean desk job as a radio station host because you married the owner’s daughter.
Now some guys like me have to earn a living the old fashioned way, by not being afraid to get our hands a little dirty.
Dwight: That’s a very interesting rant, Moe, but you still haven’t answered Rick’s question.
Moe: I was just leading up to that. It’s simple economics. I can only afford to hire two full time guys at my service station. One worker does all the mechanical repairs and a young kid pumps the gas for the customers. All three of us are working all the time and somebody uses the washroom about every five minutes. I don’t have the staff to clean the washroom every five minutes. It would help, too, if the customers treated our washroom with more respect. They pee on the toilet seat, pee on the floor, puke in the toilet and leave barf on the rim of the toilet. They also leave toilet paper all over the floor. So I don’t appreciate you guys putting all the mess and stench all on me.
Dwight: Hold on listeners. We have another caller on the line. At this time I would advise all of listeners who have kids at home to send them out to the barn to do their chores. We are having a very volatile and controversial show this evening and you may not want your children listening to parts of it.
Rick: That’s right Dwight. Our show is billed as a family show, but tonight it has evolved into a very heated and emotional show. Hold on, I think we have Mick Russell on the line.
Mick Russell: Yeah, this is Mick Russell. Will you guys shut up? I just took a bite out of my triple patty cheeseburger when I turned on the radio.
I hear you guys talking about diarrhea, puking and the horrible stench in Moe’s washroom. I immediately tossed my cheeseburger out the window.
Dwight: What a waste Mick! You should have given it to your dog, Chopper.
Mick: You don’t have to worry about that. Chopper just ran out the back door to go look for it.
Rick: Mick, now that we’ve got you on the line what do you make of the story that Lloyd just told us?
Mick: Look, you guys, I got offers to tell my story on the Larry King Show. So you’re not going to get any more free information from me. Have a good evening boys.
Act Eight Scene Three:
Narrator: We are now at the Roswell Hospital. Nurse Jane and Dr. Zorba have the alien on the operating table. The doctor is busy doing an assessment of his patient’s condition when General Kane comes barging into the operating room.
Dr. Zorba: What is the meaning of this? You can’t be in here. I’m examining a patient. Who are you?
General Kane: I am General Kane. I am now your Commander-in-Chief.
Dr. Zorba: I’m not under your command. I’m the Head of Surgery at this hospital.
General Kane: That doesn’t mean a hill of beans to me.
Dr. Zorba: What do you want from me?
General Kane: I want the creature. I’m taking him to the Air Force Base. We are flying in a couple of world renowned scientists to examine it.
Dr. Zorba: You’re not going to take my patient from this hospital until I give my medical clearance.
Narrator: Nurse Carrie hears a voice in her head. It’s the creature trying to communicate telepathically with her.
Nurse Carrie: The creature is trying to tell us something. He communicates telepathically.
Dr. Zorba: What is he saying?
Nurse Carrie: He says that he’s from a distant solar system that he and his crew were doing some exploration of our planet. The creature is now telling me that he is going to send a message to you, doctor.
The Alien (speaking telepathically) : Hello doctor. My name is Captain Zig. Thank you for trying to help me. I’m the commander of my spaceship or at least what’s left of it. Our spacecraft had a head-on collision with another spacecraft that we couldn’t identify. Three of my officers died in the crash. I’m the lone survivor. We only came to your planet to do research. We mean your planet no harm, but this man in the room with you, he scares me.
General Kane: What’s wrong Doc ? You look like you’re in a daze. Snap out of it and hand over this creature.
Dr. Zorba: This creature is an intelligent being from outside our solar system. He needs immediate medical attention. If you want this creature you’ll have to take him by force.
General Kane: It’s on!
Narrator: As General Kane moves toward the alien, Dr. Zorba steps in front of Jane, picks him up and executes a perfect piledriver on General Kane, driving him right into the cement floor.
Private Enns: You can’t do that! The pile driver’s been barred in three wrestling territories.
Dr. Zorba: In extreme circumstances one must resort to extreme measures.
Private Enns: You think you’re pretty tough don’t you, Zorba? Let’s see what you can do against a third-degree black belt.
Narrator: As all this chaos is breaking loose, Nurse Carrie returns holding a bedpan in her hands. When she sees Private Enns position himself in a karate kick stance, she throws the contents of the bedpan into his face. Meanwhile, General Kane, groggily, returns to his feet.
General Kane: You’re a dead man Zorba!
Narrator: Nurse Carrie runs down the hall to get help. When she gets part way down the hall she runs into Jim, the security guard. On each side of Jim are the two escaped convicts Harry O’Finsky and Steve Wyler.
Nurse Carrie: Thank goodness you’re here, Jim! We could really use your help. All hell is breaking loose in the operating room. Come quickly!
Narrator: As Jim, Harry and Steve arrive at the entrance to the operating room they can’t believe their eyes. Dr. Zorba has General
Kane in a camel clutch. Private Enns is in the washroom vomiting and trying to wash the urine and feces from his face and hair.
Steve: Holy crow, Mauler! The doctor is executing a perfect camel clutch on the General.
Narrator: By this time General Kane is howling in pain.
Masked Mauler: Come on, General, tap out! If Dr. Zorba keeps applying that kind of pressure you’ll be crippled.
General Kane: I’m a five-star general! I can take the pain. I’ll never tap out!
Act Eight Scene Four:
Narrator: At this point the Masked Mauler climbs up a tall medicine cabinet. When he gets to the top he leaps off the cabinet applying a vicious skull crusher to Dr. Zorba. Dr. Zorba is knocked out cold. At that moment Sheriff Pyle arrives in the operating room after receiving a 911 call.
It is now time to bring back two characters from a previous play, The Escaped Convict. The two characters are Steve Wyler and Harry O’Finsky. In my last play, Steven Wyler and Harry
O’Finsky are in a wrestling match with Hulk Hogan and Jake the Snake Roberts. There is mass chaos breaking out in the ring. Steve Tyler grabs Harry O’Finsky who is disguised as the Masked Mauler. The two convicts run backstage and enter an old storage room near the back of the arena.
Steve: We’ll be safe in here for a little while, Harry. I had to get you out of the ring before we both got arrested and even killed. As I was looking around the arena I saw the Warden as well as those two cons we stole the smokes from last month.
Harry: Man, its mighty dark and dusty in this old shed. Hey, Steve, look over there. What’s that big fancy wheel with all the fancy
Steve: I don’t know. Let’s check it out.
Harry: Wow, this thing is cool, Steve. It looks like some kind of antique car. It has two seats, a lever and a dash that’s all lit up.
Narrator: Steve and Harvey get into the seats of the car. Harry can’t resist pushing some buttons on the dash and pushing the lever forward. In a few seconds, the vehicle starts to shake and rattle and all Harry and all Steve can see is a swirling kaleidoscope of colors. In a few minutes their vehicle crashes in a farmer’s field.
Steve: What just happened? Where the heck are we?
Harry: Hey, look what it says on the dash. It says location Roswell, New Mexico, year 1947.
Steve: Harry, we just took a trip in a time machine! What luck! Who would’ve thought of a better escape?
Gary: Ha! Ha! I bet the Warden and Sam and Charles are looking all around the arena for us right now. Ha! Ha!
Steve: I can just see those two guys now. Sam and Charles running around all over the arena looking for us and the Warden and the guards chasing after them.
Harry: Meanwhile we’re in a different state fifty years in the past!
Steve: Man, I’m getting pretty hungry. We need to find a truck stop. Maybe if we do some walking around we’ll find a highway.
Harry: Good idea. We’ll wait for a trucker on his way into town.
Narrator: Jim, the security guard is now driving down the highway on his way to Corona to get the General his burgers, pepperoni sticks and cigars. He sees two hitch hikers trying to thumb a ride. Jim stops to pick them up.
Jim: Howdy boys, I’m going as far as Corona. Will that help you out?
Harry: It sure will. Are there any restaurants in Corona? We’re really hungry.
Jim: Well, there’s a Burger King and a 7-11. It’s about a two hour ride to Corona from here. If you guys are really starving I’ve got a couple of old, stale boxes of Animal Crackers in the car. Well, hop in boys. I’m running an errand for the General.
Steve: Thanks a lot, man. We really appreciate it.
Narrator: Harry and Steve get in the back of Jim’s old Volkswagen Bug. The two convicts introduce themselves to Jim.
Jim: Hey, Harry. How come you’re wearing wrestling trunks and boots?
Harry: Well, during my last match, two criminals broke into the dressing room and stole all my street clothes.
Jim: Man, you really have to be some kind of low life to steal another dude’s clothes. It’s really gets hot in the daytime but by nightfall it’s awful chilly out in these parts. We’ll find you a new set of clothes when we get back to Corona. It won’t be easy though, Harry. You’re a pretty big guy.
Steve: Harry’s stage name is the Masked Mauler. Put on your mask Harry.
Jim: Man, that mask is cool! When’s your next match?
Steve: I’m the Mauler’s manager. We’re out here scouting for a new territory for the Mauler to wrestle in. He’s barred from all our old territories because he has a nasty habit of hanging promoters over the
bridges of local rivers. Mauler gets really upset when promoters don’t book him in the main event. I’m going to register Harry for some anger management classes in the fall. Hey, Jim, do you know of any wrestling promoters out in these parts?
Jim: Yeah I do, General Kane. He’s the guy I’m running this errand for. He says that these wrestling cards are good for the troop’s morale. I’ll tell you what. You buys boys ride back with me to Roswell after I finish this errand. The General might be interested in booking the Masked Mauler. He likes to book wrestlers with lots of attitude.
Steve: Gee, Thanks Jim. We could sure use the work.
Jim: One thing I should warn you about. General Kane doesn’t believe that wrestling is fake. He wants to see plenty of blood and pile drivers done right on the cement floor outside the ring. Real hardcore Mick Foley type of wrestling.
Harry: Well the General has nothing to worry about. I’ll give him all the blood, guts and pile drivers he wants. Good to know that some people up there know the truth. Wrestling is not fake!