Author’s Note For Roswell 1947, A Play
I decided to compile my writings in my serialized play, Roswell 1947 in a book to be self- published. This has turned out to be quite the undertaking as I had to search for sections of the play in many different places. I wrote this play in serialized blog posts over a period of years. I have attempted to piece the play together in much the same way that one would attempt to put together a challenging jigsaw puzzle. To many readers the finished product may not make much sense. This is probably as it should be as Roswell 1947, A Play turned out to be a surreal merging of fantasy, science fiction and comedy. It has been a labor of love compiling this play. Its purpose is entirely to entertain the reader.
Ken David Stewart
Harvey: Yeah, and my stomach is starting to feel a little queasy. Can I get the keys to your washroom?
Moe: The washroom’s all boarded up. Two guys from the Health Department shut her down this morning. They said they were listening to Rick and Dwight’s radio show and heard that my washroom was filthy.
Harvey: What can I do? I got to go real bad.
Moe: Well, there’s a big cactus plant growing behind the garage. Nobody can see you from the road.
Narrator: Harvey gets behind the big cactus plant and tries to unzip his costume. The zipper gets stuck and Harvey has to cut a hole in the backside of the costume with his Swiss Army knife. Harvey leans back on the cactus plant in order to get his balance. His butt gets punctured by the thorns sticking out of the cactus plant.
Harvey: Yow! That hurts. There’s nothing like getting cactus prickles in your butt when you’re trying to do your business. Hey, Hoss, can you bring me some toilet paper? I left a roll in the glove compartment.
Narrator: While waiting for Hoss, Harvey starts pulling some of the
cactus prickles out of his backside. He turns around quickly to hear
rattling and hissing sounds behind him.
Hoss: Watch out Harv! There’s a big rattler coiled up and ready to strike, right behind you. Don’t worry I’ll try to scare him off.
Narrator: Hoss hurls the roll of toilet paper at the rattlesnake. This just startles the snake. The rattlesnake retaliates by biting Harvey in the backside.
Dwight: Hang on. I think we have a caller on the line.
Lloyd the Barber: You guys better not cancel my interview. You think your listeners want to hear some bozo go on about flying saucers, aliens and some goofball getting a shot of horse tranquilizer in the backside? Don’t you think they’d rather hear an exclusive interview with a great actor like Lloyd the Barber instead?
Rick: Probably not. But don’t worry Lloyd. Your interview is still on for this evening.
Act Seven Scene Three:
Narrator: Harvey and Hoss, the two dogcatcher start walking back to town down and in about thirty minutes they make it back into the downtown area of Roswell.
Harvey: Look, Hoss. There’s our truck parked outside the radio station. I bet the yahoo that stole it is inside the radio station right now.
Narrator: Harvey grabs a large piece of wood and uses a battering ram against the radio station store. The two dog catchers fall over
and roll onto the carpet of the radio station.
Rick: Hey you goofs! Have you ever heard of doorknobs and turning the handle first?
Dwight: Rick, look at our station! Now we have splinters of wood to go with all of broken glass. Everybody who come to the station is trying to destroy the place.
Harvey: Don’t get your shirt in a knot Dwight. Just send the repair bills over to City Hall. The City of Roswell will reimburse you
for all the damage.
Hoss: Yeah, we’re dog catchers here on official city business. Some guy stole our truck. He’s got to be in here.
Harvey: Right, we were trying to take the guy to the hospital and he repays us by stealing our truck.
Rick: Well, he’s not here now.
Dwight: A few minutes ago we had our special guest Mick Russell on the air. He just starting telling our listeners about how he was kidnapped by the Air Force and thrown in the back of a truck with a bunch of dead aliens.
Harvey: Did he say that he got a shot of horse twice tranquilizer in the butt when they took him inside the hospital?
Rick: How did you know?
Hoss: Because this Mick Russell is the guy who stole our truck!
Harvey: Where is Mick now? He’s got the keys to our truck.
Dwight: Who knows? The same two Air Force guys kidnapped him again while he was on the air for the second time today.
Rick: Yeah, twice in one day. That boy is having a real bad day.
Dwight: You think Mick’s having a bad day? Poor baby. How about us? Our radio station has been trashed twice today.
Hoss: So where do you think the Air Force guys took Mick?
Rick: Well, there are two possibilities. One is that they took him back to the Air Force Base for questioning. The other is they took him out to the desert to shoot him.
Harvey: Ah man, it reeks in here.
Hoss: I don’t care. I’m staying in here until I’m sure the Rotties’s gone.
Narrator: Mick starts up the dog catchers’ truck and heads for town.
Mick: I’ve got to get back to the radio station. I got an even better story to tell them now.
Act Three Scene Three:
Narrator: Zeke, the hospital custodian, runs up to General Kane.
Zeke: The guy we locked up in the store room broke the window and
General Kane: Enns, get in the truck. We’ve got to catch that rancher before he starts shooting his mouth off again.
Narrator: Enns and Kane start riding down the back lane. They stop when they see two dogcatchers climbing out of the dumpster.
Private Enns: Look, General. The city makes those poor dogcatchers hunt for dogs in the dumpster.
General Kane: I doubt that, Enns. Roswell city employees have a union.
Private Enns: Maybe the dog catchers aren’t included in the union contract.
General Kane: What the heck are you guys doing in the dumpster? Just look at you guys all covered in garbage. You’re a disgrace to the uniform!
Private Enns: I thought city employees made good money. You guys
shouldn’t have to scrounge around for food in the dumpster.
Hoss: We’re not looking for food. A large Rottweiler chased us into the dumpster.
General Kane: Men, it’s your job to catch dogs, not run away from them!
Harvey: Well there’s a whole other side to this story. You tell them what happened, Hoss.
Hoss: Well, it’s kind of a long story. We were sitting in the truck having our smoke break when we saw this guy stumbling down the back lane.
Harvey: Yeah, this guy tells us this goofy story about escaping from the hospital. He said two military guys kidnapped him and threw him in the back of a truck with a bunch of aliens.
Hoss: Ha ha! And then he says something about a nurse giving him a shot of horse tranquilizer in the backside.
Private Enns: They’re talking about Mick, General.
General Kane: I know! So where’s this guy now?
Private Enns: Yeah. And don’t you guys have a truck or something to put the dogs in when you catch them?
General Kane: They don’t need one. The dogs all chase them into the dumpster. Ha ha ha!
Harvey: Look General, this is no laughing matter. The guy drove off with our truck.
Private Enns: I don’t get it. There’s two of you against one of him.
Hoss Well it’s kind of a long story. You tell them, Harvey.
Roswell 1947 page thirty-four
Narrator: The phone in the radio station starts ringing once again. Dwight takes a call from Dennis the mortician.
Dwight: Listeners, we now have Dennis the mortician on the line. Have you got any interesting comments or questions for us Dennis?
Dennis: You bet I do. First of all get that yahoo, Floyd the Barber off your show. The guy’s a drunk, an idiot and a D-rate actor.
Floyd the Barber: So you’re the guy who’s been putting the moves on my girlfriend, Nurse Jane.
Dennis: First of all Floyd she’s your ex girlfriend. She told me she has no interest in you whatsoever. Further more you need to stop stalking her.
Floyd: What do you mean, stalking her?
Dennis: Well, how about hiding behind a fake palm tree and eavesdropping on our conversation at Dusty’s Tavern?
Floyd: That’s not stalking. I was just trying to find out if she was really dating a bozo like you.
Rick: Listeners, once again we’re advising you to send your children out to the barn to do some chores.
Dwight: That’s right. Our show is supposed to be family friendly but thanks to our guests and callers tonight it’s more like a third rate Jerry Springer Show.
Narrator: The phone rings again in the control room. This time Jerry Springer is on the line.
Jerry Springer: So what’s wrong with the Jerry Springer Show? If you guys had one percent of the audience my show has you wouldn’t have to live in a trailer park.
Rick: How did you know that Dwight and I live in a trailer park?
Roswell page thirty
Act 8 Scene2
Narrator: We are back at the Roswell Air Force Base interrogation room with General Kane, Private Enns and Mick Russell. General Kane is trying to convince Russell to change his story about finding pieces of a crashed flying saucer on his ranch. So far Mick is been adamant about telling the truth.
Mick: I found pieces of a crashed flying saucer on my ranch and it’s the truth.
General Kane: No! The truth is that that all you found was a weather balloon. We’re going to take you back to the radio station and this is what you’re going to do. You’re going to go on the air and tell the listeners that you started drinking early in the morning. Your wife left you because you were losing too much money on the ranch. So when Dusty’s Tavern opened you went there to continue drowning your sorrows. You decided you’d get yourself some attention by making up this crazy flying saucer story and telling it on the radio.
Mick: No way! I’ll be the laughing stock of the whole county.
General Kane: Would you rather spend the next 20 years in the brig Mick?
Mick: Of course not.
General Kane: Here’s the deal Mick. You go on the air and tell the story we just told you. And for all your trouble were going to throw in a little bonus. After you retract your story on the radio show, you’ll find a new Ford truck with the keys in it parked right outside the radio station. The new red Ford 150 will be yours just for following orders just like any good patriotic American citizen would.
Mick: Woo! Hoo! A new truck, that’s just what I’ve been wishing for. It’s a deal boys. You can drive me down to the radio station right now and I’ll retract my story. The town won’t be laughing at me for very long when they see me in my new red Ford 150 truck.
Private Enns: You’re a lot smarter than we gave you credit for Mick.
Mick: Gee thanks guys. Let’s go straight to the radio station. I can’t wait to get my new truck!
Roswell 1947 page twenty-nine
Andy Griffith: I’ve heard about all I want to hear from Floyd the barber this evening and I’m sure all your listeners would agree with me. I demand that you get that idiot off your show this minute!
Rick: Listeners we’ve got Andy Griffith on the line.
Dwight: Yeah, and there appears to be some friction between these two stars of The Andy Griffith Show.
Andy: You can’t believe a word Floyd says. He’s been drinking at Dusty’s Tavern all afternoon and he’s drunk as a skunk.
Rick: Our apologies listeners but this is starting to sound like The Jerry Springer Show.
Dwight: Andy, how do you know that Floyd was drinking at Dusty’s all afternoon.
Andy: Because I was there this afternoon. I came into the saloon wearing a gorilla mask. I’ve had Floyd under surveillance for about a week now. The producer has been noticing that Floyd is showing up on the set with liquor on his breath. He told me to work undercover to get the goods on Floyd.
Floyd: You’re a traitor Andy!
Andy: Yeah, and what about you coming on this show and slandering my good character. Now all the listeners are going to think I’m an alcoholic washed up actor who can’t remember his lines.
Rick: Whoo! This is turning into one nasty feud.
Andy: Listen up Rick. I demand that you and Dwight get Floyd out of your control room this second. I’ll be listening to the rest of your show at home. If I hear Floyd’s voice on the air once more this evening I’ll be coming down to the station to take it out of your hides.
Floyd: You’ve been watching too many Clint Eastwood movies Andy. You haven’t pumped any iron since you played football at Mayberry High.
Dwight: Floyd you said at the beginning of our show that you had something interesting to tell our viewers.
Floyd: That’s right Dwight, I do and I think your listeners have heard about all they want to hear from that drunken has been actor, Andy Griffith. You guys have just scooped the best news story of the century. This is better than anything you’ve ever read in The National Inquirer.
Rick: Wow! This has got to be good! Don’t keep our listeners in suspense Floyd.