Tag: ufos

New Book Available in Paperback Shortly


New Book Will Be Available in Paperback Shortly:
My new book, The Wild and Hilarious World of The Roswell Gang will be available in a paperback edition shortly. My sample copy arrived yesterday evening. My wife, Martha Peters, read my play last night. Both she and I were very surprised that she liked it. I didn’t think that she would like the kind of humour in the book, but she actually laughed out loud a few times while reading it.
Martha said that she liked the book and saw it’s potential.
I also can see the potential that the book has. Most people will find the book to be both funny and entertaining. It makes for a good reading experience if you would like to escape from reality for an hour or two. For example, if you had a rough day either at work or at school, reading this play just might cheer you up. I think that a lot of middle school and high school students would also find it highly entertaining. Both middle school and high school ELA and drama/theatre teachers might like to have their students act out The Wild and Hilarious World of the Roswell Gang. Speaking as a retired teacher, I would definitely use this play(with some discretionary tweaks) with my class.
Check out the price. The Kindle version is now selling for only $1.12 as an introductory offer on Amazon. The paperback copy should also be released to the public shortly. The paperback edition also comes with a beautifully designed glossy cover.
My goal in publishing this book is to have people read it and to be greatly entertained.
Thank you for checking out my book and keep on reading!
Ken David Stewart
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Its Official. I’m a Published Author!


It’s Official. I’m a Published Author!
This morning I got up and was soon checking my email. I was very happy to get a message from Kindle Direct Publishing informing me that one of my books, The Wild and Hilarious World of the Roswell Gang is now available for purchase on Amazon.
I am aware that I have posted excerpts from this book on my own web sites on many occasions over the years and have received a positive response in terms of numbers of hits on my blogs. The problem was that it was difficult to find a complete and up to date version of the play. I have made several revisions to it over the years and it had never been available in a complete updated and polished format. Today, that has changed as the play has a new name as well as having a new cover, professional formatting and a new title.
My newly published book has undergone numerous revisions over the years and had been given several different titles such as Roswell1947, a Play and Roswell Revisited.
Today, the complete and updated official authorized version of the play is available for purchase in the Kindle format on Amazon. Its new title is The Wild and Hilarious World of the Roswell Gang (Volume 1).
This play was written in a serialized manner over a period of several years. I thoroughly enjoyed writing this play and often found myself laughing out loud while reading over what I had written. When it came time to get it ready for publication I had a lot of work to do. First, I had to find all the bits and pieces of the play. The next job was to organize, edit and revise The Wild and Hilarious World of the Roswell Gang (Volume 1). It was truly a labor of love.
The real purpose of the play is simply to entertain people and give them a good laugh and hopefully, a temporary escape from the stress in their own lives. The Wild and Hilarious World of the Roswell Gang (Volume 1) will appeal to people who like to think out of the box and have the capacity and willingness to suspend disbelief. The book is a collage of many different genres such as comedy, science fiction, historical fiction and fantasy and is even a bit scary in places. Some words that I would use to describe it are bizarre and surreal. The events in the play are very loosely based on the legend of what happened during the summer of July, 1947 in and around Roswell, New Mexico.
I do hope that you buy my book for the price of $1.12 in the Amazon Book Store. I would also greatly appreciate any ratings and reviews that you could give for The Wild and Hilarious World of the Roswell Gang (Volume1)
Thank you from the bottom of my heart,
Ken David Stewart
Purchased Copy of Roswell Play Cover

The Sheriff and Prisoners Arrive At Dusty’s Tavern


Act Nine Scene Four:
Narrator:
Sheriff Pyle escorts his handcuffed prisoner’s to Dusty’s Tavern.
Sheriff Pyle: Clerk I need to rent some rooms for some guests of the county.

Hotel clerk: Prisoners? You came to the wrong place. This is a hotel not a jail.

Sheriff: We only have one cell in the jail in town. I’m not going to stick three men and one lady in the same cell. It’s against the law.

Hotel clerk: Well, they’re not staying here. This hotel has a reputation to uphold. Why don’t you try the Holiday Inn in Albuquerque?

Sheriff: Have it your way. I’ll just take a quick look in the beverage room to see if there are any under -age drinkers in there. If there are I will have to shut down your establishment.

Hotel clerk: All right the prisoners can stay here, but we only have two rooms available. The two lawyers have the other rooms reserved.

Sheriff: That’s okay. The three male prisoners will stay in one room and the female can have a room to herself.

General Kane: How many beds are in each room?

Hotel clerk: Two, but we can bring in a cot for the third person.

General Kane: Well, I’m the general so I get one of the beds.

Dr. Zorba: And I’m a doctor so I get the other bed. The wrestler can sleep on the cot.

Mauler: Why don’t we have an arm wrestling contest to see who gets the beds?

Sheriff: Forget it. Tonight’s sleeping arrangements have been finalized.

Hotel clerk: None of these prisoners are violent, are they?

Sheriff: All of them are extremely dangerous but don’t worry. I’ve hired special reinforcements. Andy Griffin and his deputy Garney Fife will be here to help me guard the prisoners all night.

Hotel clerk: Andy Griffin and Garney Fife? Those guys aren’t real police. They’re actors.

Bellboy: Yeah Dude, this is real life not a TV show.

Andy: Watch the attitude son. Sheriff Pyle just handed Deputy Fife and I official New Mexico state trooper badges.

Bellboy: Now, let me get this straight. Andy Griffin and Garney Fife are the police and Terry Mason and Padlock are the lawyers.

Sheriff: That’s right.

Bellboy: Who’s going to be the judge? Col. Sanders?

Sheriff: How did you know?

Bellboy: Nevermind. I got to take Mr. Mason and Mr. Padlock their rooms.
Roswell

An Actor Gets Deputized


Act Nine Scene Three:

Narrator: Before leaving for court, Sheriff Pyle makes a phone call to Andy Griffith.

Sheriff Pyle: Andy? Elmer Pyle. What are you up to?

Andy: I’m on my way to the radio station to teach those two idiots, Dwight and Rick some manners. They’ve been dissing me all day on their show.

Sheriff Pyle: Well, maybe you could put that on hold for a little while, Buddy. Look, I need a big favor from you.

Andy: No problem. You didn’t charge me with three drunk and disorderlies last month.

Sheriff: I didn’t want to do that Andy. You are a hero to a lot of people in this town. Like I was saying I need your help. I got four perps in custody. I have to book them into the hotel overnight and I’ll need some help supervising them until they go to court for their hearings in the morning. Do you think that you and Garney Fife could stand guard outside their rooms tonight?

Andy: This sounds like real serious police work, Sheriff. You think you can get Garney and me law enforcement officer badges? Real ones I mean. Not cheap fake toy sheriff badges like they give us for the show.

Sheriff: Yeah, I got a couple of spare ones in my top desk drawer.

Andy: Fantastic! How about FBI badges? You got any of those?
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More Buffoonery From The Roswell Gang


Act Nine Scene One:

J. Edgar Hoover: Put your hands on the table where I can see them and don’t move.

Narrator: Hoover puts his cigar out in Dwight’s Styrofoam coffee cup

Dwight: What did you do that for? There’s an ashtray on the table.

Hoover: Are you questioning the FBI, son?

Dwight: Of course not, but what are you doing here?

Hoover: I just found a stolen government vehicle in one of your parking stalls out front.

Rick: What stolen vehicle?

Hoover: The dog catchers’ truck.

Dwight: Oh right, the two dogcatchers have gone looking for the keys. A rancher has the keys to the truck but the Air Force
kidnapped him.

Narrator: Hoover starts looking at the keys hanging on the key ring.

Hoover: Well, isn’t this interesting? This set of keys has Property of the City of Roswell written on it. I wonder if they might start the dog catchers’ truck?

Narrator: Hoover sends his assistant, Richard, out to try starting the truck with the dog catcher’s keys.

Private Enns: The keys started the truck up no problem, sir.

Hoover: You boys are in some real hot water now. Theft of a government vehicle will get you twenty years in the state prison alone. But that’s the least of your problems. Now, where have you hidden the two dog catchers and the rancher?

Rick: Mick Russell’s probably out in the desert getting shot by General Kane as we speak.

Hoover: And why would the Air Force want this rancher dead?

Dwight: Because the rancher found a crashed flying saucer and saw some dead aliens in the back of General Kane’s truck.

Hoover: How do you guys know about this? You’re probably Soviet spies.

Rick: No, we’re not!

Hoover: You boys are digging yourself in deeper and deeper every time you open your mouths. Let’s see now. We’ve got you on theft of a government vehicle, kidnapping, lying to an FBI agent, kidnapping, on possible homicide charges and not to forget being spies for the Kremlin.

Dwight: I have an idea sir. If we could find Harvey and Hoss for you, it will prove that we are telling you the truth.

Rick: Great idea Dwight! I think I know where to find them. The last time we saw them they were dressed up like cartoon characters. They were on their way to the compound to find Hoss’s car.

Hoover: Dressed up like cartoon characters? What for?

Dwight: Hoss and Harvey didn’t want their supervisor to recognize them.

Rick: If their supervisor saw them he would ask them where the truck was.

Hoover: Richard, handcuff these boys and put them in the car. We’re on our way to the city compound. You boys better hope your story
checks out.
Hoover

Bathroom Humor: Don’t Read If You Have a Sensitive Stomach


Act Seven Scene One:

Narrator: Dusty manages to convince Lloyd that he owes it to his fans to do tonight’s interview on Rick and Dwight’s Radio Show. Lloyd staggers down the sidewalk to the radio station. Before going in he realizes he needs to take a leak really bad. Lloyd pulls up in front of Dwight’s car and sets his sights upon the back passenger tire. Dwight is looking out the window trying to see if Lloyd will show up in time for his interview. He sees what Dwight is doing and runs over to the space where the door used to be. He yells at Lloyd.

Dwight: Hey Lloyd, what are doing taking a leak on my car’s tire.

Lloyd: Sorry Dwight. I couldn’t hold it long enough to make it to your washroom on time.

Dwight: Have you been drinking at Dusty’s, Lloyd?

Lloyd: Just in the afternoon.

Narrator:
By this time Rick has joined Dwight by the open space where the door used to be. He quickly catches the gist of the situation.

Rick: Lloyd, I’m cancelling your interview for this evening. You’re so drunk that you can barely stand up straight.

Lloyd: I’ll be all right. Just put me in a chair. I have a hell of a story to tell your listeners.

Dwight: Did something unusual happen on the set of The Andy Griffin Show?

Lloyd: No, but I didn’t come here to talk about The Andy Griffin Show.

Rick: Then what are you going to talk about Lloyd? About the time you were so drunk you cut off a piece of a customer’s ear while you were giving him a haircut?

Lloyd: No, but I did that guy a favor. One of his ears was bigger than the other before I made the adjustment for him. I even took out a needle and thread and put stitches in what was left of his ear.

Dwight: Come to think of it, Rick, that is a pretty good story. Maybe Lloyd should tell it on the show tonight. If the mayor is listening he might even give Lloyd a medal for stopping the guy from bleeding to death.

Rick: Don’t be ridiculous Dwight. Lloyd would lose his day job. Who’s going to want to get a haircut from a drunk barber?

Dwight: You’re probably right. Maybe Lloyd should have trained to be a paramedic instead of a barber.

Lloyd: Look, I’ve heard enough from you two guys. I want to start my interview now, before I pass out.

Dwight: Do you think you might puke too, Lloyd?

Lloyd: Yeah, probably, just before I pass out.

Dwight: Thanks for warning us in advance Lloyd. I’ll go get a bucket from the janitor’s supply room.

Lloyd: But I’m not going to tell the story on the air about cutting off a piece of the guy’s ear. I gotta admit, though, it’s pretty funny.

Dwight: We better get started with Lloyd’s interview now Rick. It’s already past seven o’clock.

Narrator: Rick nods to Dwight in agreement and switches on the green light and the microphones.

Rick: Good evening listeners. We apologize for the late start to the evening show, but we had a few technical difficulties we needed to correct. It will be worth the wait, however. As promised, we’re going to do the interview with our very special guest, Lloyd the Barber, one of the stars of the Andy Griffin Show.

Lloyd: Not one of the stars of The Andy Griffin Show, the star of the Andy Griffin Show. The rest of the cast aren’t stars. It’s a stretch to even call them actors.

Dwight: I’m hearing some bitterness in your voice, Lloyd.

Lloyd: No, you’re not hearing bitterness you’re hearing the truth. It’s about time somebody told the truth about that show.

Rick: Aren’t you afraid of losing your job on the show, Lloyd.

Lloyd: Ah, come on, Rick. If they fire me they may as well shut down the whole show. Besides, I still have my day job at the barber shop anyway. It’s not like I’m going to starve to death.

Dwight: How about that guy who lost part of his ear in your barber shop?

Lloyd: Shut up Dwight! First of all, that’s an urban legend and secondly, I thought we all agreed we weren’t going to discuss that incident on the show.

Rick: Okay, chill out Lloyd. Loyal listeners I apologize for Lloyd’s temper tonight. He doesn’t appear to be in a very good mood this evening.

Lloyd: And you wouldn’t be either if you had to work two jobs all the time just to make ends meet.

Rick: Well said, Lloyd. You told us when you first came in the station that you had a great news story for us.

Lloyd: Great? Great story? It’s the most important story of the century!

Dwight: Go for it, Lloyd. We’re all ears and so are our listeners.

Lloyd: Well, let me tell you this. You guys are going to owe me big time after this.
Anyway, do you guys remember that rancher you had in earlier today?

Rick: You mean Mick Russell, our guest on the morning show who the military arrested twice today?

Lloyd: Yeah, that’s him. Well, he was telling the truth. At first, I thought he was some kind of whack job until I had his story confirmed. In fact, Mick only knew part of the story. He was right about the crashed flying saucer, but he didn’t know about the aliens in the space ship.

Dwight: What? Aliens? Creatures from outer space?

Lloyd: That’s right. It’s absolutely true. A space ship, possibly two of them crashed right here in Roswell and Corona. The army found four aliens, three were DOA but one is still alive. They were doing an autopsy in Roswell Hospital on one of the dead aliens two days ago.

Rick: Who told you this and why should we believe you?

Lloyd: Because I drew a sketch of one of the creatures right here on the sleeve of my shirt. I saw a nurse from the hospital draw it on a napkin when I was at Dusty’s Tavern the other night. She didn’t know that I was making my own copy of the drawing because I was hiding behind a palm tree.

Dwight: So now you’re telling us that Dusty has palm trees growing in his bar? Does he have a beach with sand there too?

Lloyd: How can you be so stupid, Dwight? It was the artificial palm tree that Dusty keeps near the front door of the bar.

Rick: Let’ see. I’m looking at the picture on Dwight’s sleeve now. The creature has an enormous head with large oval eyes. It’s probably only about three or four feet tall by the looks of it. It’s skin color appears to be a blend of gray and green.

Lloyd: No, that’s a mistake on my drawing. While I was shading in the gray with a pencil I had to sneeze. I didn’t have any Kleenex so I had to wipe my nose on my sleeve.

Rick: So does that mean its skin color is all gray?

Lloyd: Yes, that’s how Nurse Jane described it.

Dwight: What else did the nurse say Lloyd?

Lloyd: She said there were two men with cameras in the room and that they were taking pictures during the autopsy.

Rick: Keep going Lloyd. Did she say anything else?

Lloyd: Yeah, she said that there was a terrible odor in the operating room sort of like the smell in the restroom at Moe’s Garage.

Dwight: That’s disgusting. A couple of weeks ago I was there. I was on my way home from work when I had a bad case of the runs. I had no choice but to use Moe’s washroom. I thought of doing my business behind a big cactus in the desert, but I’m too scared of scorpions, rattlesnakes and tarantulas.

Rick: You said enough already, Dwight. Our listeners don’t need to hear any more details. Most of them are probably eating their dinner now. Go on, Lloyd.

Lloyd: Well, like I was saying the smell in the operating room was so bad that Nurse Jane had to run outside to barf.
Lloyd: Oh no! I think I’m going to barf right now.
Dwight: Quick Lloyd. Puke in the bucket by Rick’s shoes.
Nattator: Lloyd aims his head as close to the bucket as he can but some vomit still manages to splatter on Rick’s shoes.

Rick: Dang it Lloyd. Look at my shoes! Hold on. We have another caller on the line. I think it’s Moe Miller, the owner of Moe’s Garage.

Moe: What’s all this talk about the supposed bad smell in the washroom at my garage?

Dwight: Well, you have to admit it gets a bit funky in your washroom, Moe.

Moe: No, I don’t have to admit to anything right now, Dwight. I’m not on trial here.

Rick: You’re right, Moe, but it would help your cause if you took a little more time cleaning up your washroom more often.

Moe: Great suggestion, Rick. The problem is that I run a business here and my goal is to make a profit from it, not to go bankrupt.

Rick: How’s cleaning up your washroom going to make you go bankrupt?

Moe: Well, obviously, you know nothing about running a business. You’ve got your cushy, clean desk job as a radio station host because you married the owner’s daughter.
Now some guys like me have to earn a living the old fashioned way, by not being afraid to get our hands a little dirty.

Dwight: That’s a very interesting rant, Moe, but you still haven’t answered Rick’s question.

Moe: I was just leading up to that. It’s simple economics. I can only afford to hire two full time guys at my service station. One worker does all the mechanical repairs and a young kid pumps the gas for the customers. All three of us are working all the time and somebody uses the washroom about every five minutes. I don’t have the staff to clean the washroom every five minutes. It would help, too, if the customers treated our washroom with more respect. They pee on the toilet seat, pee on the floor, puke in the toilet and leave barf on the rim of the toilet. They also leave toilet paper all over the floor. So I don’t appreciate you guys putting all the mess and stench all on me.

Dwight: Hold on listeners. We have another caller on the line. At this time I would advise all of listeners who have kids at home to send them out to the barn to do their chores. We are having a very volatile and controversial show this evening and you may not want your children listening to parts of it.

Rick: That’s right Dwight. Our show is billed as a family show, but tonight it has evolved into a very heated and emotional show. Hold on, I think we have Mick Russell on the line.

Mick Russell: Yeah, this is Mick Russell. Will you guys shut up? I just took a bite out of my triple patty cheeseburger when I turned on the radio.

I hear you guys talking about diarrhea, puking and the horrible stench in Moe’s washroom. I immediately tossed my cheeseburger out the window.

Dwight: What a waste Mick! You should have given it to your dog, Chopper.

Mick: You don’t have to worry about that. Chopper just ran out the back door to go look for it.

Rick: Mick, now that we’ve got you on the line what do you make of the story that Lloyd just told us?

Mick: Look, you guys, I got offers to tell my story on the Larry King Show. So you’re not going to get any more free information from me. Have a good evening boys.

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Absolute Chaos Reigns: doctors, nurses, security guards, aliens and wrestlers


Act Eight Scene Three:

Narrator: We are now at the Roswell Hospital. Nurse Jane and Dr. Zorba have the alien on the operating table. The doctor is busy doing an assessment of his patient’s condition when General Kane comes barging into the operating room.

Dr. Zorba: What is the meaning of this? You can’t be in here. I’m examining a patient. Who are you?

General Kane: I am General Kane. I am now your Commander-in-Chief.

Dr. Zorba: I’m not under your command. I’m the Head of Surgery at this hospital.

General Kane: That doesn’t mean a hill of beans to me.

Dr. Zorba: What do you want from me?

General Kane: I want the creature. I’m taking him to the Air Force Base. We are flying in a couple of world renowned scientists to examine it.

Dr. Zorba: You’re not going to take my patient from this hospital until I give my medical clearance.

Narrator: Nurse Carrie hears a voice in her head. It’s the creature trying to communicate telepathically with her.

Nurse Carrie: The creature is trying to tell us something. He communicates telepathically.

Dr. Zorba: What is he saying?

Nurse Carrie: He says that he’s from a distant solar system that he and his crew were doing some exploration of our planet. The creature is now telling me that he is going to send a message to you, doctor.

The Alien (speaking telepathically) : Hello doctor. My name is Captain Zig. Thank you for trying to help me. I’m the commander of my spaceship or at least what’s left of it. Our spacecraft had a head-on collision with another spacecraft that we couldn’t identify. Three of my officers died in the crash. I’m the lone survivor. We only came to your planet to do research. We mean your planet no harm, but this man in the room with you, he scares me.

General Kane: What’s wrong Doc ? You look like you’re in a daze. Snap out of it and hand over this creature.

Dr. Zorba: This creature is an intelligent being from outside our solar system. He needs immediate medical attention. If you want this creature you’ll have to take him by force.

General Kane: It’s on!

Narrator: As General Kane moves toward the alien, Dr. Zorba steps in front of Jane, picks him up and executes a perfect piledriver on General Kane, driving him right into the cement floor.

Private Enns: You can’t do that! The pile driver’s been barred in three wrestling territories.

Dr. Zorba: In extreme circumstances one must resort to extreme measures.

Private Enns: You think you’re pretty tough don’t you, Zorba? Let’s see what you can do against a third-degree black belt.

Narrator: As all this chaos is breaking loose, Nurse Carrie returns holding a bedpan in her hands. When she sees Private Enns position himself in a karate kick stance, she throws the contents of the bedpan into his face. Meanwhile, General Kane, groggily, returns to his feet.

General Kane: You’re a dead man Zorba!

Narrator: Nurse Carrie runs down the hall to get help. When she gets part way down the hall she runs into Jim, the security guard. On each side of Jim are the two escaped convicts Harry O’Finsky and Steve Wyler.

Nurse Carrie: Thank goodness you’re here, Jim! We could really use your help. All hell is breaking loose in the operating room. Come quickly!

Narrator: As Jim, Harry and Steve arrive at the entrance to the operating room they can’t believe their eyes. Dr. Zorba has General
Kane in a camel clutch. Private Enns is in the washroom vomiting and trying to wash the urine and feces from his face and hair.

Steve: Holy crow, Mauler! The doctor is executing a perfect camel clutch on the General.

Narrator: By this time General Kane is howling in pain.

Masked Mauler: Come on, General, tap out! If Dr. Zorba keeps applying that kind of pressure you’ll be crippled.

General Kane: I’m a five-star general! I can take the pain. I’ll never tap out!

Act Eight Scene Four:

Narrator: At this point the Masked Mauler climbs up a tall medicine cabinet. When he gets to the top he leaps off the cabinet applying a vicious skull crusher to Dr. Zorba. Dr. Zorba is knocked out cold. At that moment Sheriff Pyle arrives in the operating room after receiving a 911 call.

Sheriff Pyle: All of you people are under arrest. I’m taking you all down to the courthouse.
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